A whole new wardrobe

I'm not sure if I wrote about this before, but recently my husband unearthed some of my totes filled with my old, "thin" clothes (by thin I mean size 16-18). And, it was like Christmas! Beloved items that I had not seen for ages, suddenly pulled out of Rubbermaid bins and given new life-- Astoundingly, I fit in to most of them! I was shocked. See, back when I got to my lowest weight "ever" when I did Weight Watchers, I weighed in at 198 or so. I'd lost 90 lbs or something like that. Anyhoo, I went a little lot crazy as I had never been able to shop in a regular store before. So I bought, and bought, and bought.. kinda like I used to eat... so finding the two totes crammed full of my clothes was fantastic.. and then having many of them fit once again, supreme. I didn't think they would fit as well because my "thin" days were before I had my boys. And everyone knows, things change when you grow babies, especially when they weigh 9 lbs 15 oz and 11 lbs 7 oz respectively. Yeah. So to pull up pair after pair of pants and have them fasten, no bed-laying-down-sucking-in needed, was a HUGE NSV. 

Wearing slightly tight pants is good for me. I guess what I mean is not loose and bulky but properly fitting, maybe a tiny bit snug. It reminds me to watch what I eat, otherwise I feel uncomfortable. And I hate that. Because I still don't want to watch the amount I eat or feel uncomfortable. Ah, nothing like a year of still trying to learn the basics. 

In other exciting news, the scale has finally crept down a little bit. Part of this is attributable to my band feeling a bit tight. I'm not sure why, as I have not had a fill for months. I think part of it may be my new snugger bra (I had been wearing a 44, now down to a snug-but-comfortable 38); some of it may be that it's gotten chilly here. For some reason, my band seems to tighten in the cold weather. I am ok with that because I need to be thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. Lately I've been trying to remind myself to "take a bariatric bite" as in, stop cramming ginormous amounts of food down your gullet or you'll get stuck. And it's been working for the most part. Back to the creeping scale-- down to 206.4. I think that means that according to my baratric center's highest weight of me (307, I think), they will weigh me as having lost 100 lbs. I count it as 104 as my real highest weight was 311. 

Another NSV, different but related, was receiving PJs for Xmas in size XL and having them fit comfortably. I can't believe I'm back in the "normal" human size. In thinking about my goal of 175, I've made mini-goals for the next year. By the end of November next year (my 2 year bandiversary) I would like to be at goal; to do so I will need to loose about 3 lbs a month. I can do that. I can. So the itty bitty goal is do-able. I'll need to maintain some exercise, perhaps ramp it up a bit. We'll see. I can do it, though. 

So that is about all that I've got today. Happy holidays to you & yours!

Chex Mix, Cake, Cake Pop Balls, Oh My!

Can you tell I've been eating not-so-great lately? My therapist says to work on avoiding "catastrophizing" language ... what I really wanted to write was "terribly" instead of not-so-great. We have had two big parties at our home in the past two weeks, and Christmas is upon us, and I went grocery shopping when hungry, and I'm dealing with a stressful case at work. So my food choices have not been great. This is a plateau, friends. A irritating, no-good, could-be-making-progress-but-I'm-not, plateau. I'm in the 207-210 range. And I know that's really good for me. More than 100 pounds lost. I'm glad for that. And my husband found bins of my old clothes this week and I victoriously tried them on. And most fit! But, guess what? I'm disappointed. Because I seem to be stuck and I don't want to be. Aside from the parties, I'm not doing what I need to do. I've eaten bread, and Halloween candy, and other crap, and fast food, and you name it. No significant progress. And I think a lot of it is mental block. I need to go to bed earlier. It would be helpful for my weight loss efforts if I got more rest. Oh, that's right, I'm also in counseling and working on improving my marriage. And, as it turns out, I'm not sure I like some of the people I am closest to. Yeah. Good times. Therapy is a challenge. A good one. But it is disappointing to see that while I have worked really hard to get a life that I like, in terms of a job and such, some of the other things may have slipped by the wayside a bit. Like having friends who you really have a lot in common with, who you don't have to fix, who you can gab about anything with and don't have to struggle to come up with safe topics to talk about. I know not where the days will lead me in the future, but it was kind of a stunner to realize that I'm challenged about some of this stuff that I'm facing. And it was there all along. Now that I see it, I SEE it. Paradigm shifting.

And, speaking of needing more rest, off to bed. It would be helpful for my weight loss efforts for me to blog on a regular basis, along with tracking my foods accurately and completely. Just a personal FYI, ya know.

Two months have come and gone since I have written... or maybe almost three? How quickly time passes these days.

We've moved. We're in our new house and I love it and I am so pleased with it. My husband, not so much. We're not in a great place right now in our.. I've started seeing a counselor and he's joining me every other week. I hate that he works nights and drives and hour each way to work and back, and he's overtired and grumpy and wasn't doing a damn thing to help around the house. He thinks I'm bitchy, have a tone and need to be  nicer to him. Part of me wonders if losing the weight has an impact. Last time I lost weight we had a lot of marriage problems. I'm going on the premise that the two are not related. I am cognizant of the problems lots of couples experience when one loses weight. We've been married almost 10 years, together 13 years. We've been through some serious downs. This feels like another one. I hope there is an up to it but sometimes I just don't know. Who you are when you're 17 is a lot different from who you are when you're 30, that's for sure. But we have two fantastic kids so we will do everything we can to figure it out. That's what you do... and if it doesn't work out after you've given it your all, cut your losses. For now, we're doing the work to figure it out.

So.. the weight loss and other health stuff... Not sure if I posted about the 5k or not, so here goes. I did it! Yup. In 49 minutes on a very hot (84 F) and humid day UP HILLS. Seriously. But I did it! I am going to do another one in October I think. After the first one I have only run 3 times I think. I've really been lax on exercise. Life has been really stressful. Marriage crap and my friend going through a lot and just regular life and working 3 jobs (1 ft, 2 pt). It's enough. So I've been walking but that's it. I plan on running a Halloween 5k so I have some time to get my butt into gear.

Weight progress has been okay. I'm down to 217 as of this morning. 217.2. Which means almost 93 lbs lost. I'm hanging in there. Fill level is about right I think. I cancelled my appointment this week because I didn't need a fill and it's a long drive to go get one. I've got to get my medical care transferred up here to our new area but I haven't yet done that. I don't know as if they will be as good as my current provider. If they're not I can always go back, I suppose. I do quite like the nurse that I see so it will be hard to say goodbye to her. She's mostly like a friend but her levels of encouragement are fantastic. There's something to be said about someone who knows all your numbers... it's almost as if that layer is taken away so no need to hide. She's quite open with me and a real doll. But I think it is time to move my care because I'm doing well and I hate the drive. I'll go see her once more I suspect.

I've had some good times with my band since my last fill and some crappy not so good  times. I have gotten stuck. Eating shit I shouldn't be eating, noless. I know it at the time. And I do it anyway. It's been better lately. But I have to learn to slow down and chew. It is insanely difficult for me to do. I almost went to get an unfill. But the bottom line is, if I slow down and chew, I am fine. So I need to SLOW DOWN AND CHEW. Blah. So hard for me to do.

Alright... Off to bed!

So I have mostly been on track lately... but what a challenge it has been! I am down to 239.0 which meets my most recent goal. I have my first 5k on the 30th of June and my goal had been to be below 240 for it... success! Today I ran 40 minutes without stopping. I go at such a slow pace that I am sure that it will take me longer than that to run the 5k. I'm hoping to do it in 45 minutes or so.

While I am doing my best to get some training in, I'm also packing up the house as we are moving this coming weekend. There is a LOT left to do and yet here I sit, typing away.

So I set a new goal for the 5k which was to be at 235. I'm not sure if I'll make it to that or not but I will give it a shot. Then I have to start thinking about my next mini-goal. My mom asked me this week how much more I want to lose, saying she thought I must be getting close to goal. I told her not even close as I'd like to get to 175 in the perfect world. So that means I've got about 65 lbs to go. In other news, I am going to get my IUD removed soon and start trying for our last babe-o. I hope to be about 220 before I get pregnant. And then to not gain a ton. While I've love to be goal weight when we try again, I'd like the kids to be pretty evenly spaced out. So now (or soon) seems to be the time. And we'll have a nice big house with room for a babe.

I have to sort through clothes when we get to our new house. My current selection of pants is ridiculous. They do not fit at all (they drag on the floor as I walk!) and are practically hanging off me. I feel like a bum at work (side thought: remember the BUM Equipment Company?? lol) but my "thin" clothes are all in bins from when I was pregnant with Lucas. I will finally be able to find them during the move (I hope!) as they have been buried in my basement.

I am so looking forward to being moved. This has been such a stressful period of time for me. I hate all the uncertainty and the organizing and the switching of everything. And the biggest challenge of all is moving the kids from one daycare to a different one. We are moving them to a center whereas they have always been in a small at home daycare that we like a lot. This new one is okay but not our favorite. If there were at home daycares that had openings we would so go with that instead but that is not the case. So we will make do with the option available to us and when we are able to switch to a different provider, we may do that. We don't want to switch them a lot (they've been at the same 1 place since they were 12 and 8 weeks old respectively) but I think it would likely be worth it to go to a smaller facility and one that is closer to home when we can. We will see how it goes. Oh, the joys of parenting. I can't even talk to the current provider without crying because this is their last week. It's hard.

All right.... bed time. Off to dream of the new house and of this damn move being OVER with!

Little by little, I am making progress. But I FEEL like I am not. This morning I weighed in at 251.2. Which is great. But I don't feel like it's fast enough, like I'm doing this very well. For instance, I have started training for a 5k. But not enough. It's so difficult to figure out when to go for a run when you drive 2 1/4 hours a day, have 2 kids to take care of, and work a full time job and some part time contract work. So I've been struggling to do it yet I really want to do it. Even though when I'm running, I'm not a big fan. I believe in the process. I want to meet that goal (run the whole thing... even if incredibly slowly).
I also feel like I'm not doing great at my eating. This past weekend I made snickerdoodles. Dumb. And most of my proteins with dinner have been crappy ones (turkey kielbasa, chicken nuggets, etc.). However, when I eat regular chicken I get stuck. But I have gotten stuck a lot less lately. So I feel like I'm not in the green zone per say but I don't know. If I am, why doesn't it feel good? I don't think I'm too tight. I need to learn to slow down and chew. It's really really really really really really hard for me to do. I feel like ... just a bit discouraged. I've been making progress but I feel like I'm not. But I also think it might be a hormonal time for me. Oy. Anyway, I'm tired and I want to feel competent at this. People are making some positive comments and I've been able to fit into old, smaller clothes of mine. All good things. Why don't I feel good about it? I just feel out of control. Like I'm not making the best choices and so I should not be getting to lose weight, like I didn't earn it. I'm beating myself up over it.
I guess I need to work on setting some realistic expectations. Also, I have an f'ing cold that has lasted almost a MONTH. I'm still hacking. It wasn't like this for a long time. I think I may have bronchitis. I'm taking an expectorant which is good. And my youngest has had an ear infection and has been waking me up in the middle of the night. I need some rest! A vacation, really.
Part of me wants to eat-- eat a LOT. I want to be able to eat like I used to be able to. Stuff it in. Eat it up. Clean my plate (I still do that, it's just a smaller plate). Part of it is mourning that I'm supposed to be making and keeping on track with the better choices. I'm fighting the "rules," the process. Because it is so hard to give up the things you love. For instance, I've been thinking about eating a bagel with olive cream cheese for, literally, a month. Since the week before Easter. I haven't done it, I know I shouldn't (and likely can't because breads are tough on me), but it's so hard. The other day I went out to lunch with my Mom and got stuck. Why I ordered a sandwich, I don't know. It was turkey on rye with mustard and veggies, so not a lot of crap like cheese and mayo. But it got stuck and that sucked (especially figuring out how to throw up in a busy bathroom quietly).

I want this to be easier.

This may not get easier.

The head stuff has got to get worked out.

I still really want to EAT a lot of crap. Ice cream. A sandwich without thinking or getting stuck. A bagel. I want to eat like a normal person. I want to be a normal person. I don't want food issues or emotional eating issues or whatever crap it happens to be. I want to eat eat eat.

I just don't want to worry about getting stuck... or calories. Hmmmpph. 

It's hard to come to terms with it never being the same again. And I know that it's cyclical for me. Sometimes I feel fantastic and optimistic. And then something changes and I feel like this is a lot of work. Which I have to do. And I am doing. It's just not the easiest thing ever. Baby steps. That's all I've got to take.

Realization

So today my son and I went for a walk. We took a long one (when is it ever 75+ in Maine in MARCH?). Anywhozle, on the way back he got tired (or really slowed down and I got tired of the slow walk) so I picked him up and carried him on my shoulders. So I'm walking up a little hill, nothing big, and I realize that I'm doing okay with it. Now William is 4 1/2. He's probably about 45 lbs. So I'm thinking about this and then I realize that not only have I lost 50 lbs, but that is more than my son weighs that I was carrying on my shoulders. Go me!

I also got 2 compliments in the past week. Took fifty f-ing pounds to get 2 compliments, but people are starting to notice. However, the GINORMOUS ice cream cake my husband got me on my birthday is not helping me to progress! I can't wait till it's out of here... but I'm not throwing it away. I'm having a little slice each night. Ice cream is pretty much my favorite food ever and I am not getting rid of this. Moderation's the name of the game, right?

So the exercise and the compliments inspired me to lift some weights at home tonight. Little baby steps, right? I've been consistently at 259 or so for about a week. So 52 lbs lost.

Oh-- so Salt and Vinegar Almonds-- super good and addicting-- beware!

52 lbs and a birthday

So my goal had been to get 50 lbs off by my birthday. This is from my highest weight (not post-op). Anyhow.... Wednesday was my birthday, the big 3-0, and guess what? Yup, I did it. I stepped on the scale first thing in the morning and was surprised to find I was 2 lbs below goal.
That is the good news. The bad news is, my birthday happened! No, I don't care a thing about getting older... however, cake came with the day. I had a slice at work and a slice at home. I wasn't expecting the home slice so I feel ok about eating it at work. Then my husband bought me an ice cream cake. So I had a slice then (because that really is my favorite). MMMmmmMMM good. There is still leftover cake, though, and so that is problematic.
We had another slice this evening. My boys very much enjoy it. So do I. But I am thinking it has to go. I didn't weigh myself today because I am kind of freaked out about having it around. I did walk yesterday and went to the gym today. I'm not going to get too focused on the 2 slices of cake but am going to keep my goals in mind. I feel like I'm starting to make some progress and feel successful with my band. People still aren't mentioning how I've lost weight but to me it is very clear. I think people just think its awkward to mention at work, especially since I don't know anyone that well.
The funny thing about the cake situation is that last month my husband turned 32... and because I was being careful, I bought him a dozen little cupcakes and then I had one, he had a couple, and the boys each had some. That way I wouldn't have them around the house (he took the rest and ate them on the way to and from work I expect). Anyway, he pulls out this gigantic cake last night. While it is nice and thoughtful, the difference in cake-giving is reflective of our priorities. He doesn't care about weight loss so he got me a big cake for my birthday, and I do care about weight loss so I got him a little one for his! It probably should have been reversed :)
Soon I am going to dig in the basement through clothes and see what I've got from when I was thinner to wear. See if I can dig up some clothes rather than go buy some. I don't want to spend much on clothes because I want to get to where I am going first, ya know?
So on the WL front, I am starting to feel like I am making progress. I think I am going to ask for another 1/2 fill at my next appointment. But I'm feeling reasonably. Progress!

So I completely forgot about my scheduled fill appointment for Monday. I was driving to work, had the epiphany that I was driving the wrong direction and was going north on the highway instead of the half hour south, and realized this about 4 minutes after my appointment should have began when I was about 45 minutes away from the office. I called, they were surprisingly nice, and I rescheduled for tomorrow. Which brings me to... tomorrow. I'm not sure whether or not I need a fill. I'm kind of thinking a half fill? I still get hungry quickly and I don't feel full after eating a cup of food. I'm monitoring my calories but ... I'm getting caught some. And I know I should be avoiding some foods (i.e. bread and dry-ish chicken) so I am doing some behavior modification but I still am not sure whether or not I should get a fill. I think I will ask for half a one. I think I've lost 5-6 lbs this month so I've made a bit of progress, but I feel like I should be doing more. So... we'll see. I'll update. Any advice is welcome!

I seriously need some motivation.

I just logged into My Fitness Pal. It said that I "have not logged in for a week. She might need some encouragement." Ha. I didn't know it did that. Fun fun.

Anyhow, I am eating everything in sight. No restriction. I'm starting to feel like I am not going to get any? Food gets stuck but I am not feeling like I am full after eating a cup of food. I hate feeling stuck. I have to slow down. I have in the back of my mind that when you are too tight you can damage your esophagus and, because you eat sliders, even gain weight. I am not having heartburn but dinner gets stuck often. I know, part of it is eating too fast and part of it is food choices. Anyhoo, I weighed in on Friday and I was not happy with the number. 267, if I recall correctly. I am going to weigh in tomorrow and see how badly this weekend hurt. I ate like crap today. I don't know what it is. I am stressed out, and I know that, and I have to stop thinking I can eat the stress away. I just ... I'm not sure that my job is for me, and I miss my old line of work, and we're putting the house on the market, and I'm not sure how financing for a new house is going to go, and I really want one certain house but we may not be able to buy it in time, and the kids have been sick, and Lucas has been cranky and not eating well (the irony) and I need a break.

The good: I took a walk today.

The bad: I ate two large handfuls chocolate chips today, some crappy whale crackers, drank wine, and had bread. I just finished up a snack of multi-grain cheerios.

Alright. It is late and I need sleep most of all. Good night. And wish me luck as I get back on track. Which I will do, starting now.

Pick up the "pen" so to speak

I've got to keep blogging. It helps me to refocus. A huge benefit.

News:

2nd fill was on Wednesday. I did not make my ten lb weight loss goal for the month, but I am almost there. I weighed in this morning at 270.4. So that's fantastic. Total loss: 40 lbs, counting from highest weight. Making progress, step by step.

Other, more exciting news: We may be selling our house and buying a new one. So this thrills me beyond belief. And buying a 5 bedroom, at that! I know, crazy! But it is a great price and a mile from work and I can't believe how much I like it. We'll see. We'd to a lease purchase agreement with the sellers. I'm thrilled. We have a realtor looking at our house Monday. We hope to be able to walk away selling it for what we owe. I'm praying for it, actually. That would be the deciding factor.

So that is the big news. Tracking food most days. Targeting for 1000 calories. I asked at my fill. I can't imagine only eating a thousand calories on most days. But I'm trying it. Was in at 1100 today. Not terrible. Workin' it!

Bit by bit

It has been far too long since I have written, I know. I have been plugging away, bit by bit but am feeling rather challenged. I am at... 272.2? or something yesterday. Emotional eating continues to kick my ass. I am definitely not filled and so I feel like I am on an island doing this by myself. Except for when stuff gets stuck. Then I feel like I'm dying alone on that island...

It's not that bad, really, it's just that I want sudden, sweet and unending success. Anyone got a recipe for that?

I have been doing okay. My goal is to lose 10 lbs this month. I started at 279 on Dec 30 so my goal is 269 for my Feb 2nd weigh-in (next Wednesday). So, doing some simple math, you can see that I have 3.2 lbs to go till this mini-goal. Part of me worries that if they see me lose too much they won't give me a fill but I don't think that is realistic. I'll just tell them whats up with me. But, anyhoo, it has been a struggle.

I have been going to the gym some. Now that the weather has finally turned snowy and icy, walking is not my favorite thing. I also want to ramp it up a bit. But it sucks to go to the gym. I hate it. Sometimes I like it but mostly I hate it. Today there were 4 men (it's a small fitness center) in the gym with me. And they're thin, muscle-y types (2 of 'em) and 2 old guys who are able to run at like a 5 on the treadmill. So I feel like a ogre. But alas, I held my head high and committed to doing my 30 minutes of exercise. I did 15 on the eliptical and 15 on the treadmill. My goal had been to run for 3 min on the treadmill but I only did one. I was too self-conscious (with the rocking of the machine) to do more. Perhaps another day. But it was the second visit to the gym this week. My eating hasn't been great but at least I have been moving some. I look forward to my fill. Is the getting stuck going to get worse? I only seem to get stuck at dinner, really. I'm not sure why. But I think it's the food. I know its the food, duh, but I think it is my food choices and that I get home and wolf down whatever is for dinner. Slow down, chew more, and better food choices, I know.

I have been tracking my calories (almost all of them- weekends are hard to remember to do, though). And I have been coming in at a reasonable rate. So that's progress. Now if I can just get the scale to go down. I am almost fearful of it at this point. And if you knew me, you'd know that is bizarre. I just worry I'm going to get stuck and become one of those bandsters who loses 5% of her weight. I didn't go through all this to do that. I want to go all the way. And I will... but I have fears, nonetheless.

I haven't read as many of you as I had hoped to and as often. But you are all so inspiring so I need to do it more. I hope that over time I'll become a part of this community. You ladies rock. You're amazing.

I'm going to get the hang of this band thing soon :)

What I mean by that is, I am going to slow down eating, chew chew chew, and avoid foods that aren't going to stick. This past week I've finally found myself getting stuck and it's probably happened 3-4 times. Hmm.... should I perhaps take notice and make some different choices? Ugh. It's so tough to be satisfied, though. I'm not eating huge amounts but I do love a good carb once in awhile. I'm not going to be fanatical about eating like a bird. I got a band for a reason-- to reduce volume, encourage positive food choices, etc... not to eliminate every bad food.

When I saw the nurse, who was kind of weird, for my fill, we went over my food. When we talked about coffee she asked me what I put in it. I told her fat free french vanilla creamer. She said to me "we will have to work on that." Oh really? I told her I didn't want to, that I believe in moderation and she insisted that if I get to a plateau, I will probably have to cut it out and that I could start now by using half milk and half creamer. I said "no.. that's not worth it to me." She again tried to tell me she was worried about these calories. Um... yeah, no. If I can't have 2 tablespoons of fat free creamer in my coffee..... just no. I mean, this is supposed to be liveable and not a deprivation diet. Another instance of someone at the bariatric center just not getting it. Maybe it's me, but I just don't think those 20-40 calories are going to be the make it or break it in my weight loss success. The band is a tool for me. If I don't lose 100 lbs in a year, so be it. I am going to live my life. I'm going to learn how to work the band, how to make changes that work for me and my goals. But I am not going to become some weirdo who can't have a cup of coffee or a cookie occasionally (she didn't ask me how holiday eating went, strangely enough. I've had way too many cookies in the past 5 weeks but she didn't ask, I didn't tell. I get that it isn't getting me to my goal faster that way, but I'm managing okay. I need time to figure this all out... and I had no restriction then, either!).

So the weight isn't magically melting off... shocker, I know. I really want to find a groove that works for me and stay in it. But I'm not there yet. I just haven't found it. But I'm starting to feel restriction (is it normal to take a couple of days??) and though I don't feel satisfied with 1 cup of food, I feel like that may happen after next fill. Still, my weight loss goal for January (fill is Feb 1st) is 10 lbs. I WILL do this. However, I did not weigh in today or yesterday, so I'll update on that later.