Friday, April 29, 2011

Making Some Progress

So I finally got my "good" WLS letter from the medical center I am going through. They really make you jump through hoops to do this. I am doing it as quickly as I possibly can because I am scheduled to lose my job in June and I would like to get this done while I have good insurance. I'm not sure that I am going to be able to make it.
So the things I have to do:
5/5/11: New Patient Orientation Class
5/10/11: Eating For Life Class # 1
5/17/11: Eating for Life Class # 2
Then I can schedule an appointment with the Dietitian. And after that hoop, I get to meet with the surgeon to be evaluated. There is no way I am going to make it by the middle of June. Blah.
The other things that they need to do:
1). Get a medical clearance letter from my doctor. I will call on Monday.
2). Attempt some weight loss. I will start Wednesday. More on that later.
3). Obtain a copy of my insurance policy- done.
4). Start an exercise program- done.
5). Watch 2 videos on the surgeries - done.
6). Plan ahead to pay a $500 deposit. This sucks. I'm not sure how to get this done.
7). Seek out info on which surgery to have and make a decision- Done (Lap-Band).

So #2. I have the new patient orientation on Wednesday so I will weigh in then. I'm not going to go crazy between now and then but I am not going to be consciously trying to lose because at the beginning of weight loss you lose more so I want that boost to be a part of my 5% loss they're requiring of me. So I need to lose like... 16? pounds or something. They will tell me next week. And the surgeon will, too. Losing is not going to be easy. Of course. It never is. But when I did Weight Watchers about 5 years ago I was able to lose 85 lbs. So I am going to focus on doing what I can, exercising as much as possible, and doin' the work.

I am glad to be making some progress on this. Waiting for the letter was so hard for me!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Thinking This Through

So tonight I ate the house. Yep, pretty much. Easter candy, chips/sour cream. I didn't eat well all day and at dinner tonight we didn't have a veggie (we always have a veggie except pizza night). The kids have been sick and I just didn't want to cook one tonight. I don't know. Anyhow, I ate like crap. And a minute ago I was about to go to bed. But then I thought about it and I felt the need to blog it. Not because I needed to tell someone (no one is reading this anyway) but because I needed to think it through.
So why did I eat like this?
  • I am tired
  • I was bored
  • I was hungry
  • There were not a lot of good food choices that I was interested in
  • I was wanting to be satisfied
  • I am stressed about work and the fact that I am probably losing my job in 2 months and I have no f*ing way to support my kids without the job. If I get unemployment, even at the top tier of it, I will make less than half of what I make now. Which will not pay the bills. I have a master's degree. THIS is not supposed to happen. 
Okay... so there are some reasons. And the food was there. Which is a big mistake. I need to not have crap in the house because then I will eat it. Blah. Which I did and now I feel like crap myself.
So tomorrow is a new day. But my clothes (PJs) feel tight and gross and I ... just want to get weighed and start losing weight towards the surgery and get a move-on on the surgery. I walked out to the mailbox today to get the mail- and nothing. I should be getting a letter here soon with the next instructions. But it did not arrive today and I am not pleased about that either. I am needing to feel like I am moving forward and making progress so that I can calm myself about wanting to get out of my skin. I hate my body right now. I have never been this big in my life. I know I had a baby about 6 months ago, but this is just too much for me. I need to make some progress soon. And to do that I need to get weighed at the program and then I can start working on losing the 15 lbs or whatever that I need to lose. I am feeling trapped without knowing the next steps and when I can take them. UGH.
Okay, so that about covers it, I think. ::sigh::
I repeat: Tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Rejected... but not really.

So today I went to my mailbox (not a common occurrence as I only seem to get crap mail) to check and see if I would get a letter stating the next steps for me in this Lap-band process. I open up the mailbox, and among all the junk, there it is: a letter from the program. I open it up and quickly read... getting to the line that says "At this time you do not meet the criteria of our program" and then I am taken aback. I continue reading... "Although your BMI is 48...."

They rejected me because I do not have co-morbid conditions and they thought I had state-sponsored health insurance. I don't. I have private insurance. So they screwed up.

I called, left a message, got a call back and she said they would now really take a look at my file because they only did a once-over when they thought I had different insurance.

Hmmmm....okay... They will take a few days to review my file and then they will send me some more information on taking the next steps. I really want this process to get a move on. I am tired of waiting. It took me so long to get to the point where I felt like this was a route that I wanted to take. So I am there now. I am ready.

And tonight I ate a ton. I don't do that usually but my husband is a grump-face and I am tired and stressed out as my job may be ending in a few weeks (6) and I have a mortgage and a ton of bills that I am barely paying now. So I think the stress is ... not that much fun. And I was putting some cheese in my mouth tonight and I am thinking at the time "I'm not hungry, why I am I doing this?" and in it went anyway. And so did granola with yogurt and an apple. Impressive.

Oh well. Guilt won't get me anywhere.

I had some photos sent to me the other day that I am in. And I looked at my leg in one of them and my thigh looked like a giant tree trunk. And that grosses me out and pisses me off and I am just so done. So recieving the "you're fat but we're not going to help you" letter was discouraging, even though it was wrong.

So I am tired now. Hopefully grump-face will be reasonable about getting some things done around on his day off tomorrow. It is not like a day off is a frickin holiday. But alas, that is beyond the scope of this blog.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


It is hard for me to figure out what to say. I want to write so badly and to share my upcoming journey. I also want to read, to hear, to learn about what others have gone through. I've been reading through a lot of blogs and I'm not sure I have it in me to keep one myself. I want a record, though, of my journey from who and how I am now to getting where I want to be.

I am in the process of going for weight loss surgery. Lap-band, to be more specific.

I want to blog to keep track, but also because I want to share my story. And be a part of a community. Not a "fat" or "thin" or "weight loss" community per say, but a place where that can be a topic that I talk about. In my real life, I don't talk about my weight very often. I have a little with this process but only with the people I would generally be okay talking about it with, anyway.

It is tough to be in the professional world and be fat. I entered my career about a hundred pounds lighter than I am now. Yeah... impressive, huh? Not so much. So here I am in a position of influence and more high-stakes than I ever thought I'd be in, and I feel like an ogre. I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be fat, I don't want to feel like crawling out of my skin. I don't want to be embarassed climbing three flights of stairs and at the top of the stairs trying to hide the fact that I am panting, I can't catch my breath. While my 100-lb. gorgeous co-worker merrily goes about regular life. It is not that much fun to feel truly obese.

Now let me be clear- I am not a shy person, I am not a person who hates herself or thinks I am worthless. I'm happy with most every part of my life. But not my weight. I don't want to be defined by it and I feel like that is what is happening. I feel like people look at me and wonder why I am so fat. They think that I am lazy, not smart, or ... I don't know. But I am at a place where I am ready to make some changes. And so I am going to do the lap-band.

It has not been easy to get to this point. To decide that this is what I want for my life. This is a big change and in a lot of ways it was a struggle to get to the point of considering WLS. I tried to do it on my own. I tried to lose weight using Weight Watchers. I did really well. I lost 85 lbs. And then my life blew up. And then I had a baby (he's 3 1/2 now). And then I gained back all of the weight. And then I had another baby (who is 6 months old now) and I gained another 30 lbs. And I can't seem to make any progress in getting the weight to come off.

My internal process has been huge. I have always thought of WLS as ... what does it say about a person who can't control their eating so they have to have a sugerical proceedure to control it for them? What is wrong with them? And then it turns out, that is me. And there isn't anything especially "wrong" with me. I am an over-eater, I stress-eat, and my body hordes calories. 

It is hard to process the idea of WLS and come to realize that this isn't the easy way out. It is not; I can see that from the blogs I've read. Sometimes I think I am crazy for doing this. And then I look in the mirror and realize that I would be crazy not to. My weight hasn't gotten and stayed better. I need this intervention. I need it. Before I have serious health problems. Before I can't tie my shoes. Before my son looks at me and says, "Momma, why are you so fat?" I can't hear that. I just can't. I won't. I will change so I don't have to hear those words.

It is amazing what people will do for their children. God, I don't want my kids to think that there is something wrong with me for being overweight. I don't want them to feel outcast by it. I felt that myself enough growing up. And moreover, I want to teach them healthy living. A healthy lifestyle.

I already am pretty healthy. Not really with the amount of food I eat but I do try to eat reasonably okay food and not let my kids consume a lot of junk. We eat dinner together at the table every night. We don't do a lot of sweets. I quit smoking. I go to the gym several days a week- I use the fitness room (blah, not my fav) once a week, aquasize at least once a week, and then I do Zumba on Saturdays and then take my son swimming. Then a lot of weekends we go swimming with my parents and the kiddos on Sunday after church. So we're active. I am teaching them those good habits. But something else isn't clicking as I am staying huge. So lap-band it is.

One of my personal goals is to blog it. To track my journey and to really be able to look and see the progression of it all- of the process (holy- it is a lot!) to outcomes. I want to see if my mind progresses... how to deal with emotional eating, etc.

So that is my intro. Pleased to meet ya!