Wednesday, April 20, 2011


It is hard for me to figure out what to say. I want to write so badly and to share my upcoming journey. I also want to read, to hear, to learn about what others have gone through. I've been reading through a lot of blogs and I'm not sure I have it in me to keep one myself. I want a record, though, of my journey from who and how I am now to getting where I want to be.

I am in the process of going for weight loss surgery. Lap-band, to be more specific.

I want to blog to keep track, but also because I want to share my story. And be a part of a community. Not a "fat" or "thin" or "weight loss" community per say, but a place where that can be a topic that I talk about. In my real life, I don't talk about my weight very often. I have a little with this process but only with the people I would generally be okay talking about it with, anyway.

It is tough to be in the professional world and be fat. I entered my career about a hundred pounds lighter than I am now. Yeah... impressive, huh? Not so much. So here I am in a position of influence and more high-stakes than I ever thought I'd be in, and I feel like an ogre. I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be fat, I don't want to feel like crawling out of my skin. I don't want to be embarassed climbing three flights of stairs and at the top of the stairs trying to hide the fact that I am panting, I can't catch my breath. While my 100-lb. gorgeous co-worker merrily goes about regular life. It is not that much fun to feel truly obese.

Now let me be clear- I am not a shy person, I am not a person who hates herself or thinks I am worthless. I'm happy with most every part of my life. But not my weight. I don't want to be defined by it and I feel like that is what is happening. I feel like people look at me and wonder why I am so fat. They think that I am lazy, not smart, or ... I don't know. But I am at a place where I am ready to make some changes. And so I am going to do the lap-band.

It has not been easy to get to this point. To decide that this is what I want for my life. This is a big change and in a lot of ways it was a struggle to get to the point of considering WLS. I tried to do it on my own. I tried to lose weight using Weight Watchers. I did really well. I lost 85 lbs. And then my life blew up. And then I had a baby (he's 3 1/2 now). And then I gained back all of the weight. And then I had another baby (who is 6 months old now) and I gained another 30 lbs. And I can't seem to make any progress in getting the weight to come off.

My internal process has been huge. I have always thought of WLS as ... what does it say about a person who can't control their eating so they have to have a sugerical proceedure to control it for them? What is wrong with them? And then it turns out, that is me. And there isn't anything especially "wrong" with me. I am an over-eater, I stress-eat, and my body hordes calories. 

It is hard to process the idea of WLS and come to realize that this isn't the easy way out. It is not; I can see that from the blogs I've read. Sometimes I think I am crazy for doing this. And then I look in the mirror and realize that I would be crazy not to. My weight hasn't gotten and stayed better. I need this intervention. I need it. Before I have serious health problems. Before I can't tie my shoes. Before my son looks at me and says, "Momma, why are you so fat?" I can't hear that. I just can't. I won't. I will change so I don't have to hear those words.

It is amazing what people will do for their children. God, I don't want my kids to think that there is something wrong with me for being overweight. I don't want them to feel outcast by it. I felt that myself enough growing up. And moreover, I want to teach them healthy living. A healthy lifestyle.

I already am pretty healthy. Not really with the amount of food I eat but I do try to eat reasonably okay food and not let my kids consume a lot of junk. We eat dinner together at the table every night. We don't do a lot of sweets. I quit smoking. I go to the gym several days a week- I use the fitness room (blah, not my fav) once a week, aquasize at least once a week, and then I do Zumba on Saturdays and then take my son swimming. Then a lot of weekends we go swimming with my parents and the kiddos on Sunday after church. So we're active. I am teaching them those good habits. But something else isn't clicking as I am staying huge. So lap-band it is.

One of my personal goals is to blog it. To track my journey and to really be able to look and see the progression of it all- of the process (holy- it is a lot!) to outcomes. I want to see if my mind progresses... how to deal with emotional eating, etc.

So that is my intro. Pleased to meet ya!

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