Thursday, May 2, 2013

While this whole weight loss "thing" has been great, it's hard to do, and hard to be thinner. See, my body is never going to be the body of a person who wasn't morbidly obese. I don't look like a typical 195 lb woman. I've got a stomach that... wiggles... by itself. I've got arms that could be used by red squirrels. I've got thighs that, though smaller, can spread out when I sit down to proportions hardly matched by my previous 311 lb self. So while I am smaller, my victory (of sorts) seems ... diminished.

I am really glad I've gotten to this weight. I'd really like to get lower. I'd like to get to goal. But I'm processing, in my stuffingmyfacerecentlyself, that I'm never going to have the body or appearance I want. Mind you, I am not obsessed with my looks. I'm a proud woman, and confident, and don't feel badly about myself as a human being. I like who I am for the most part. But I look at these.. rolls..  and wiggles, and I feel... defeated. To some degree, anyhow. I'd much rather be this weight, but when I look at the recesses in my stretch marks, I am reminded about how out of control my weight got. And then I think, can I really hold on to this? Can this be permanent? I think it can be but I am desperately afraid. That this is the lowest I'll get (I've been struggling to lose lately) and that I might go back up. Can I be satisfied with this weight? I don't know. I'm not satisfied with the foods I have been CONSUMING lately. Cheez its and peanuts and all kinds of crap. I'm not satisfied with that at all. I can't seem to be able to control myself. And so though I eat smaller portions, I'm still feeling out of control.

My bariatric nurse sometimes says that she can see that I have made major life changes. I feel like laughing at her. Because I have done some things differently, but many things remain the same. I still eat pasta. And bread. And other crap that is not good for me. It's harder to do and I eat smaller portions, but it's not like I've radically changed myself, my life style. I'm doing better than I used to, but I don't feel over the hump. I don't feel changed permanently. I'm not there yet. I don't love to exercise, nor do I do it all the time. I am just.. managing. And what if that isn't good enough? What if I can't maintain this? What will I have to do next?

I remind myself what my therapist says... I have some choices in this. It is within my control. And I've been feeling out of control lately about my eating. I fully expect tomorrow's weigh in to show a gain. And that makes me not so happy. So I need to focus on what modifications I can make, I can incorporate into my life, so that I get the results I want. I CAN DO THIS. Can you?