Thursday, April 19, 2012

Little by little, I am making progress. But I FEEL like I am not. This morning I weighed in at 251.2. Which is great. But I don't feel like it's fast enough, like I'm doing this very well. For instance, I have started training for a 5k. But not enough. It's so difficult to figure out when to go for a run when you drive 2 1/4 hours a day, have 2 kids to take care of, and work a full time job and some part time contract work. So I've been struggling to do it yet I really want to do it. Even though when I'm running, I'm not a big fan. I believe in the process. I want to meet that goal (run the whole thing... even if incredibly slowly).
I also feel like I'm not doing great at my eating. This past weekend I made snickerdoodles. Dumb. And most of my proteins with dinner have been crappy ones (turkey kielbasa, chicken nuggets, etc.). However, when I eat regular chicken I get stuck. But I have gotten stuck a lot less lately. So I feel like I'm not in the green zone per say but I don't know. If I am, why doesn't it feel good? I don't think I'm too tight. I need to learn to slow down and chew. It's really really really really really really hard for me to do. I feel like ... just a bit discouraged. I've been making progress but I feel like I'm not. But I also think it might be a hormonal time for me. Oy. Anyway, I'm tired and I want to feel competent at this. People are making some positive comments and I've been able to fit into old, smaller clothes of mine. All good things. Why don't I feel good about it? I just feel out of control. Like I'm not making the best choices and so I should not be getting to lose weight, like I didn't earn it. I'm beating myself up over it.
I guess I need to work on setting some realistic expectations. Also, I have an f'ing cold that has lasted almost a MONTH. I'm still hacking. It wasn't like this for a long time. I think I may have bronchitis. I'm taking an expectorant which is good. And my youngest has had an ear infection and has been waking me up in the middle of the night. I need some rest! A vacation, really.
Part of me wants to eat-- eat a LOT. I want to be able to eat like I used to be able to. Stuff it in. Eat it up. Clean my plate (I still do that, it's just a smaller plate). Part of it is mourning that I'm supposed to be making and keeping on track with the better choices. I'm fighting the "rules," the process. Because it is so hard to give up the things you love. For instance, I've been thinking about eating a bagel with olive cream cheese for, literally, a month. Since the week before Easter. I haven't done it, I know I shouldn't (and likely can't because breads are tough on me), but it's so hard. The other day I went out to lunch with my Mom and got stuck. Why I ordered a sandwich, I don't know. It was turkey on rye with mustard and veggies, so not a lot of crap like cheese and mayo. But it got stuck and that sucked (especially figuring out how to throw up in a busy bathroom quietly).

I want this to be easier.

This may not get easier.

The head stuff has got to get worked out.

I still really want to EAT a lot of crap. Ice cream. A sandwich without thinking or getting stuck. A bagel. I want to eat like a normal person. I want to be a normal person. I don't want food issues or emotional eating issues or whatever crap it happens to be. I want to eat eat eat.

I just don't want to worry about getting stuck... or calories. Hmmmpph. 

It's hard to come to terms with it never being the same again. And I know that it's cyclical for me. Sometimes I feel fantastic and optimistic. And then something changes and I feel like this is a lot of work. Which I have to do. And I am doing. It's just not the easiest thing ever. Baby steps. That's all I've got to take.