To be a "normal" weight

The most I can weigh and fall into the classification of "normal" weight by BMI is 159 lbs (BMI of 24.9). I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure if I want to do that. I don't know if that would be a good weight for me or not. 

See, my goal weight has traditionally been 175 lbs. I am just shy of that weight by 20 lbs, and so I'm starting to think about if that is going to be a good final weight for me. Based on the fact that I'm wearing a size 16, I'm not sure that it is the right weight for me... would I be a 14 then? I'm not sure. I look at photos of myself sometimes and still see me weighing a lot. I certainly don't think, feel, or look thin. Then again, at nearly 200 lbs I wouldn't! But I have lost almost 115 lbs so it feels like I SHOULD be those things.

What size do I want to wear? I don't know. A 12 would be phenomenal. A 10... I can't even consider that. I've never pictured myself as thin. More important than my final weight is not regaining weight once I've lost it. I know that's going to be a challenge. I lost 90 lbs on weight watchers once before, and then regained it all plus some. So I know maintenance is going to be hard... but still getting to goal, whatever number or size that happens to be, is my first objective. I'm not sure I'll ever be a "normal" weight, but I'm striving to get to a place where I feel good about my weight, my body, my activity level and my energy. 

Making a bit of progress

So lately I have been making a bit of progress. I know that I continue to focus on the scale numbers but they simply still do matter to me. They are only one measure of my progress and they continue to be important to me. I weighed in yesterday, my weigh in day, at 196.4. For a total of 114.6 lbs lost. It's surprising to me since I've been indulging in some Easter candy (yes, still), but I'm glad for the progress.

I am still sick. I've been reading online review of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, and I want to do it. But I'm not going to until I feel a bit better. My ear is full of fluid and has been for about 10 days. I've been sick for about 8 weeks with a cold that turned into a sinus infection. I'm so tired of being sick, and taking medication, and not feeling well, and not being able to hear well. Now there is an echo-y sound in my ear kind of like those fake microphone tube things that children talk into. It's real fun. And yesterday I had to pick my son up from daycare as they called to tell me he had a 101 fever and wasn't acting himself. He seemed fine at home, though a little warm, and had no problems last night. But this morning he coughed in his bed before getting up quite a few times... and I feel like my nose is stuffed and I might be getting it. Could that seriously happen? I'm ready for spring and more time outdoors and open windows. But for now we run the pellet stove in hopes that soon we can retire it for the season. Last night we got snow (just a dusting) so I'm not sure what to expect at this point.

As a family one evening we did go for a walk this week down to the playground. My husband had never been to that particular playground (we usually walk up the hill to the bigger one) and the boys had a ball. Though we only stayed about 20 minutes, it was nice to get some fresh air. After reading a NY Times article about the importance of talking to your children, we've decided to make sure the TV is off for the night by 6:30. At the end of the day when you're tired and you haven't stopped, its hard to turn off the TV when it's placating the children... but we'll do it because it's whats best for them. Oy.

Alright... off to prep lunch for the boys. The exciting life I live!

Cheez Its and Easter Candy...... the death of me

Only a quick note tonight... Cheez Its and Easter Candy are currently the bane of my existence  Why do I have them in the house? For my son's school snack and because we just had Easter. The bottom line: if I have crap in the house, I will eat it.

The band has not changed that. I have not changed that.

Whether I lose or gain weight is totally within my control. So, first things first... stop eating the junk!

So here are two commitments I am making to myself.

1. No more Cheez Its from this box. And no buying another box!

2. No more Easter Candy.

Wait, did I just write that? No more Easter Candy? I love how I capitalize it as if it is a proper noun.

Can I really not eat any more Easter Candy? I can.

It would be helpful for my weight loss efforts if I did not indulge in any more crap foods (specifically the two listed above this week). It's a better way to look at it - helpfulness verses shaming myself for eating SO MUCH JUNK. It was not helpful for my weight-loss goals to eat food that does not sustain me and is unhealthy. I am going to work on choosing some healthier foods.

This is what happens when you don't have time to grocery shop on a weekend where a candy holiday occurs. So off to the grocery tomorrow!

Coasting Along

I have been sick for about seven weeks now. First it was a cold, then it turned into a chest cold, then a sinus infection. I am now recovering from the sinus infection... but generally, I have been sick for almost two months. And coupled with that, sickened children and spouse. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

So weight loss has been on the back burner. I'm down to 198. Did you read that? 198! Well, this morning I was a bit higher but my official weigh-in was 198. Yeah, I'm thrilled. I'm below my driver's license weight finally, and in ONEderland. But I have not been losing at a rate that I'm satisfied with but it's like, get real. Like I am going to be focusing on weight loss when I am miserably sick.

Work is stressing me out. A lady I used to go on walks with has not asked me to walk with her. I think it's because the other lady we walk with doesn't like me very well. It's not that much fun to feel not that liked at work. I have a hard time connecting with people. That sounds a bit odd, but I really don't have many friends. I'd like to have more and see those that I do have I'd like to see more, but as it is I am not terribly social. Kids take a lot of time and energy. I'd like to meet some people who are not needy or emotionally a wreck. I have a few friends who are not, but for the most part my closest friends have a lot of personal problems.

When I mean that I don't connect well with people... It's true. I'm exceptionally liberal and somewhat granola-y, really care about issues and the world and education and learning. Really I am focused on bigger picture ideas and love to get jazzed up about things. And I'm not terribly touchy-feely. I'm not overly emotional for the most part. I'm quite passionate about some things and can get quite fired up, but I don't get all that excited over little dramas. Anyway, I'm feeling lonely at work and wishing I had more people in my life that I really can connect with. I'm glad this blog is anonymous because its not something I'd say to any of the people I know. I tend to be more of a thinker than someone who discusses her personal life, and thus its not always easy to connect with people.

In counseling my therapist reminds me that finding new people to connect with is hard and takes time... I need to be more selective. While I like a lot of people, sometimes I'm just like, "WTF?" with people. They are too immature, drama oriented, have major personal problems, are substance abusing, conservative in a hateful way, or dull. And sometimes I want so much to connect with someone, anyone that I'll have too low standards and then not be satisfied with the relationship. And so I need to remind myself that it is not the end of the world to have people not like me. It doesn't feel good, but that feeling will pass and life will go on. And at some point, I am going to have some friends who I feel good about and good with and who care about the same things I do who enjoy chatting about politics and causes and like to get out in the world and DO STUFF. And in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my kids and husband, listening to NPR, getting involved in the world in ways that I enjoy, and connecting with people in ways that feel good. And that's all I can do.