I have been sick for about seven weeks now. First it was a cold, then it turned into a chest cold, then a sinus infection. I am now recovering from the sinus infection... but generally, I have been sick for almost two months. And coupled with that, sickened children and spouse. Good times, I tell ya, good times.
So weight loss has been on the back burner. I'm down to 198. Did you read that? 198! Well, this morning I was a bit higher but my official weigh-in was 198. Yeah, I'm thrilled. I'm below my driver's license weight finally, and in ONEderland. But I have not been losing at a rate that I'm satisfied with but it's like, get real. Like I am going to be focusing on weight loss when I am miserably sick.
Work is stressing me out. A lady I used to go on walks with has not asked me to walk with her. I think it's because the other lady we walk with doesn't like me very well. It's not that much fun to feel not that liked at work. I have a hard time connecting with people. That sounds a bit odd, but I really don't have many friends. I'd like to have more and see those that I do have I'd like to see more, but as it is I am not terribly social. Kids take a lot of time and energy. I'd like to meet some people who are not needy or emotionally a wreck. I have a few friends who are not, but for the most part my closest friends have a lot of personal problems.
When I mean that I don't connect well with people... It's true. I'm exceptionally liberal and somewhat granola-y, really care about issues and the world and education and learning. Really I am focused on bigger picture ideas and love to get jazzed up about things. And I'm not terribly touchy-feely. I'm not overly emotional for the most part. I'm quite passionate about some things and can get quite fired up, but I don't get all that excited over little dramas. Anyway, I'm feeling lonely at work and wishing I had more people in my life that I really can connect with. I'm glad this blog is anonymous because its not something I'd say to any of the people I know. I tend to be more of a thinker than someone who discusses her personal life, and thus its not always easy to connect with people.
In counseling my therapist reminds me that finding new people to connect with is hard and takes time... I need to be more selective. While I like a lot of people, sometimes I'm just like, "WTF?" with people. They are too immature, drama oriented, have major personal problems, are substance abusing, conservative in a hateful way, or dull. And sometimes I want so much to connect with someone, anyone that I'll have too low standards and then not be satisfied with the relationship. And so I need to remind myself that it is not the end of the world to have people not like me. It doesn't feel good, but that feeling will pass and life will go on. And at some point, I am going to have some friends who I feel good about and good with and who care about the same things I do who enjoy chatting about politics and causes and like to get out in the world and DO STUFF. And in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my kids and husband, listening to NPR, getting involved in the world in ways that I enjoy, and connecting with people in ways that feel good. And that's all I can do.