Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Bit by bit

It has been far too long since I have written, I know. I have been plugging away, bit by bit but am feeling rather challenged. I am at... 272.2? or something yesterday. Emotional eating continues to kick my ass. I am definitely not filled and so I feel like I am on an island doing this by myself. Except for when stuff gets stuck. Then I feel like I'm dying alone on that island...

It's not that bad, really, it's just that I want sudden, sweet and unending success. Anyone got a recipe for that?

I have been doing okay. My goal is to lose 10 lbs this month. I started at 279 on Dec 30 so my goal is 269 for my Feb 2nd weigh-in (next Wednesday). So, doing some simple math, you can see that I have 3.2 lbs to go till this mini-goal. Part of me worries that if they see me lose too much they won't give me a fill but I don't think that is realistic. I'll just tell them whats up with me. But, anyhoo, it has been a struggle.

I have been going to the gym some. Now that the weather has finally turned snowy and icy, walking is not my favorite thing. I also want to ramp it up a bit. But it sucks to go to the gym. I hate it. Sometimes I like it but mostly I hate it. Today there were 4 men (it's a small fitness center) in the gym with me. And they're thin, muscle-y types (2 of 'em) and 2 old guys who are able to run at like a 5 on the treadmill. So I feel like a ogre. But alas, I held my head high and committed to doing my 30 minutes of exercise. I did 15 on the eliptical and 15 on the treadmill. My goal had been to run for 3 min on the treadmill but I only did one. I was too self-conscious (with the rocking of the machine) to do more. Perhaps another day. But it was the second visit to the gym this week. My eating hasn't been great but at least I have been moving some. I look forward to my fill. Is the getting stuck going to get worse? I only seem to get stuck at dinner, really. I'm not sure why. But I think it's the food. I know its the food, duh, but I think it is my food choices and that I get home and wolf down whatever is for dinner. Slow down, chew more, and better food choices, I know.

I have been tracking my calories (almost all of them- weekends are hard to remember to do, though). And I have been coming in at a reasonable rate. So that's progress. Now if I can just get the scale to go down. I am almost fearful of it at this point. And if you knew me, you'd know that is bizarre. I just worry I'm going to get stuck and become one of those bandsters who loses 5% of her weight. I didn't go through all this to do that. I want to go all the way. And I will... but I have fears, nonetheless.

I haven't read as many of you as I had hoped to and as often. But you are all so inspiring so I need to do it more. I hope that over time I'll become a part of this community. You ladies rock. You're amazing.

Monday, January 2, 2012

I'm going to get the hang of this band thing soon :)

What I mean by that is, I am going to slow down eating, chew chew chew, and avoid foods that aren't going to stick. This past week I've finally found myself getting stuck and it's probably happened 3-4 times. Hmm.... should I perhaps take notice and make some different choices? Ugh. It's so tough to be satisfied, though. I'm not eating huge amounts but I do love a good carb once in awhile. I'm not going to be fanatical about eating like a bird. I got a band for a reason-- to reduce volume, encourage positive food choices, etc... not to eliminate every bad food.

When I saw the nurse, who was kind of weird, for my fill, we went over my food. When we talked about coffee she asked me what I put in it. I told her fat free french vanilla creamer. She said to me "we will have to work on that." Oh really? I told her I didn't want to, that I believe in moderation and she insisted that if I get to a plateau, I will probably have to cut it out and that I could start now by using half milk and half creamer. I said "no.. that's not worth it to me." She again tried to tell me she was worried about these calories. Um... yeah, no. If I can't have 2 tablespoons of fat free creamer in my coffee..... just no. I mean, this is supposed to be liveable and not a deprivation diet. Another instance of someone at the bariatric center just not getting it. Maybe it's me, but I just don't think those 20-40 calories are going to be the make it or break it in my weight loss success. The band is a tool for me. If I don't lose 100 lbs in a year, so be it. I am going to live my life. I'm going to learn how to work the band, how to make changes that work for me and my goals. But I am not going to become some weirdo who can't have a cup of coffee or a cookie occasionally (she didn't ask me how holiday eating went, strangely enough. I've had way too many cookies in the past 5 weeks but she didn't ask, I didn't tell. I get that it isn't getting me to my goal faster that way, but I'm managing okay. I need time to figure this all out... and I had no restriction then, either!).

So the weight isn't magically melting off... shocker, I know. I really want to find a groove that works for me and stay in it. But I'm not there yet. I just haven't found it. But I'm starting to feel restriction (is it normal to take a couple of days??) and though I don't feel satisfied with 1 cup of food, I feel like that may happen after next fill. Still, my weight loss goal for January (fill is Feb 1st) is 10 lbs. I WILL do this. However, I did not weigh in today or yesterday, so I'll update on that later.