Frustrated.

My case is on hold right now. For lapband or gastric. And I gained weight even though I did a pretty good job with eating and writing down my food.
On Saturday my husband made brownies. And that set me off. And then I got my period. And that set me off. And I am losing my job in a week. And that sets me off. And I am trying to not be too hard on myself but it is not a great time for me right now. I am ready for a change. My in-laws are coming this weekend for my son's baptism. STRESS. And the weather has been crap. And I have a laundry list of displeasure.
Most of all I feel like I am eating in a fashion that is not good for me but is hard to get a handle on. I ended up going out to lunch yesterday and that was a hard thing to do... I hadn't planned on it, was broke, and spent my menu-perusing time looking for the cheapest food on the menu (about $10 which isn't cheap for a sandwich/fries). I didn't even think about healthy, really.  And last night I did some late night eating with some peanut butter. Good times. AHHHHHHHHHH. Feeling out of control!
I am so upset about my case being put on hold. It feels pointless to try and lose now. I know that it is not. I met with the nutritionist on Tuesday and waited a half hour for her to see me. And then she was not very impressive at all. I found her so annoying and I wasn't that nice to her. I really wasn't. It was tense. I don't f*ing need someone to tell me how to eat. I know what and how much I SHOULD eat- I just am not able to follow through on that. But it is not for lack of knowledge. I felt like she was rather condescending and I was so not impressed. And making menus out for what you are going to eat several months from now? "What do you think you'll want to have for a snack?" Who knows? It is in several months! I know how to read a menu, I don't need to role-play with you about how to eat. I was just really cranky at her. I could not have been less impressed. I hope to not see her again. BLAH.
I am really just not in a great space right now.

Changing Course

So I think that I am changing course.

I met with a bariatric nurse. She was helpful but, of course, could not tell me which surgery to do- gastric or lapband. I had thought when I started this process that I would absolutely do lapband. Now I am considering gastric.

Why?

This is such a hard process for me. I know where I want to go, the reasons to get the surgery. I know that I want it. But it is so hard to chose.
Here's why:

• I know I can lose all the weight with lapband, but people often are able to get there a lot quicker with gastric.
• It kinda weirds me out about having the lapband in me forever. 
• Fills require driving, time, tolls, gas, and co-pays. I have no idea how many I will need.
• My skin will not adjust better to one form of weight loss (I thought slower might help things spring back better... ha... not so much...). 
• I've read some blogs that make me think that some people get a little weird with lapband... almost like it becomes an eating disorder. I am not judging, I just want to not go down that path myself. 

Reasons to get gastric instead:

• Most people lose more weight with gastric
• Weight comes off faster
• Fewer follow-up visits
• No difference in skin recovery
• Seems easier. It may not be, it just seems like it is. I know the recovery is harder and such, but it seems like ... you get the right restriction from day 1 and then the mal-absorption feature for the first 18 months cuts out 1/3 of calories... it seems easier. I could be wrong. But ultimately, I want this to be easier. 

Reasons to get lapband instead:

• Slower weight-loss so fewer people will know (at this point, I'm not all about sharing this with the world. I may feel differently later on but I am where I am right now). 
• Regular contact with the bariatric center can improve long term success. 
• Can eat more foods without dumping syndrome. 
• No dumping syndrome. 
• Can eat larger quantities of food in general. 

So I am mulling. I'm going through the damn process and mulling.  I really love to think about what it will like to be thin, to be able to move. That is one reason I love my water aerobics class- I feel like I can move like I did when I was 200 lbs (I know!). I want to feel that on land again and be able to run and play and have energy to have the fun that this life is supposed to be.

And so I consider....................

Bottom of the Gutter

Today felt like I was at the bottom of a gutter. I received my layoff notice. Now, I knew this may be coming. But I did not expect to get it to today and I did not expect my final day to be June 3rd.

So I cried. A lot. I work in an office mostly by myself... long story. No one else was around today and so I got to slobber and drip by myself. But it was hard. It feels like a failure. The funding for the federal grant that has paid for my position for a year is over. There may be some other options but as of now, I will be unemployed in a month. The organization is looking as being changed legislatively (Friday will tell us a lot more) and so ... everything just seems like such a mess.

And in the back of my mind, with all this news, I keep thinking how I can't loose my insurance! My insurance totally covers Lapband (except for a $100 co-pay) and so I am terrified that I am going to get a crap insurance at a future job and not be able to do this and that would be just awful!

Tomorrow is my new patient orientation. I am going to ask them if there is any way to get it done sooner rather than later. I am sure they will say no. But it cannot hurt to ask. I am willing to do all the steps that it takes to get it done... lets just speed this up people!