And a Happy New Year to you, and you, and you...

It's all on all our minds-- our goals and hopes and dreams and expectations for 2012.

I am thinking about it, too. But I'm not sure what mine are.

I have a couple of areas I want to focus on-- weight loss, spiritual connection, having more fun, and ....... not sure what else.

It is hard to wrap that into one word or phrase... other than LIVE.

My more specific health and weight related goals:

Get to 220. That's a pretty big weight loss for one year- 59 lbs. But that would be on average 1.13 lbs per week. So I think it is do-able. I'd love to do better but slow and steady is just fine for me.

Get a fill level that works for me. I had my first fill on Wednesday. The needle stung a bit (no numbing shot or anything but that was fine.. just startling) but it went fine. Afterwards I drank water and that went down okay. Eating since then has proved mostly boring-- but I have finally gotten really "stuck" and "slimed." I hadn't known exactly how uncomfortable that could be but I have since learned. Now, I feel like I was ready for the band when I got it but that doesn't mean that I'm always going to be making good food choices.. and so the band is reminding me. Boy, that sucked though. I guess no toast in the morning. It was whole wheat with fake butter. We definitely need to go grocery shopping. Anyhow, I am still not that restricted. I am able to eat more than I think I should be because I am still hungry. But I feel like next fill (Feb 1st) will get me a lot closer to where I want to be. My goal between now and then is to lose 10 lbs. I need to make sure I am eating enough-- how much do you folks eat - calorie wise? Myfitnesspal.com tells me 1500 or so a day. I was thinking around 1200. I need to get out my book and look.

I need to be more focused and planing oriented about my food. And to find something for lunch that satisfies but isn't high calorie. Any suggestions? I've been having soup but it is a .. what did my nurse call it? A slider food. I need something that is more satisfying long term. I'm not a fan of left overs.

I'm not feeling all that on track. Which I know for a newly banded person is not normal. This freaks me out a bit but it is the challenge with getting banded at holiday time and having no restriction. I just need to keep in mind that just because this is the way that it is does not mean that it is the way that it will always be. I have been doing well with walking so I am pleased with that. I need to get the eating more under control and have less crap food in my house. I need to work with my husband on that one too because he does a lot of the bringing crap into the house.

My son was sick today-- he had a fever and since he suffers from febrile seizures we didn't go anywhere, though we had planned to go to the fireworks at 6 PM. He was disappointed but there is always next year. Instead, we watched the Smurf movie-- it was great. Our other son just toddled around and William paid good attention throughout. So all and all, a reasonable day. Icy here- 5 people died on the roads in our state today, which is a high number. Very sad. So I was happy to stay home. My husband went to the dump with our youngest and the grocery store.. it had looked like it was just raining and not icy but he found out differently on the roads-- that it was slick. They got home safely and we spent the rest of the day inside. The weather kept me from going to the YMCA for Zumba, though (which I have not gone to in like 4 months-- one thing after another) but my commitment is to do it next week come hell or high water.

So, enough from me-- Happy New Year and best wishes for 2012!

Needing my first fill!

At this point, post-holiday, I need a fill. I have seen that having virtually no restriction is not a good thing for me. I have a fill the day after tomorrow.
I need help with my eating. I mean, part of me is just... disappointed that I haven't been able to eat less than I am currently eating. I hardly feel at all like I've had this surgery. I want to see some substantial weight loss. And I know that I need to be making better choices about my food, but this holiday crap has just been so hard to deal with. All kinds of good food everywhere.
Christmas was good. Busy, but good. I got a Nook :) I'm so pleased with that. I think my husband was disappointed that he didn't get anything super-cool but the kids had fun, it was good to visit with family, and it is over. All good things. I enjoy the holidays but routine is nice too. Particularly with eating. So tomorrow, back to the same old same old.
I think that I am going to take Wednesday off. I am earning a little extra cash in the afternoon as a contracted trainer but I don't want to drive an hour to work and then back down for my fill appointment and then to the training. So I think I am going to ask them tomorrow if it would be a problem for me to take the day off. We're between semesters so I am hopeful that it will be alright.
So I will update about my first fill. I'm excited. I'm sure it's going to be fairly pain free and then I will feel what this band can do! :)

Too much and not enough

So I've been eating too much of something and not doing enough other things.

Too much in the sweets department. What is going on? I am having the hardest time resisting crap food. But boy, it tastes soooooooooo good.  Today I ate two small pieces of something delish. It had almonds on top of some sort of creamy white stuff and that was on top of jelly and a bar/pie crust. Now, the sizes were an inch by 3/4 of an inch or something but still, I ate two. And then this afternoon I also ate something else bad for me. But I can't remember what it was. Go me. Blah. This has just been so tough with the holiday foods.

Of the not doing enough-- exercise. I did go for a walk today which was good. The second time I walked down to another office it was slippery as could be out because it had been raining/icing. So I didn't go for a full walk because likely, much of that time would have been flat on my back.

I may weigh myself tomorrow. I just really want to make some progress. I am assuming that it will be a tad easier once I have a fill. Which is a week from today. So I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Off to wrap some Christmas gifts!

Post- Op Check done

I ended up seeing my surgeon today for my post op. A week early but they asked me to come in and I was game for that. I'm down to 281.4 according to their scale.. which is about the same as mine from yesterday morning but with clothes on and in the AM (my appt was 3:45 PM). So, progress. Not a lot of it, but some. During the 5 minute "exam" the doctor determined 2 things. 1, he didn't leave much fluid in (which I knew cuz I am frequently hungry) and 2, I was allergic (or at least had an adverse reaction) to the glue they used to hold the holes together from the incision points. Which explains why they are all read and SUPER itchy.
I ran into a girl I went to high school with there. How awkward. But it was fine. She has a ton to tell me about her life. In true form for graduates from the school I went to, she couldn't be bothered to ask for a moment about my life. This is not the first time that has happened to me. Many are just utterly self-absorbed. I smiled, nodded, said nice things and walked out.
The sister of a girl I went to high school with posted on facebook she's having it done. I messaged her to tell her about my recent surgery. Not something I am posting on FB though! Perhaps some day but not at the onset. That is far too intimate a detail to share. I'm in the bander-closet, so to speak.
In food... um.. I am certainly hungry. I am not making the best food choices but I am doing the best I can. It is crap to get banded by the holidays but with no fluid. I mean, really. The only restriction I seem to feel is first thing in the morning after I have my protein shake. I think half of it is the air from the blended drink. But I have been doing the best I can. I am working on getting back to walking again. When it is 20 degrees out, it is hard to find motivation. Especially when the wind is blowing. But I did do a walk today and I am going to get back to twice a day. It makes me feel so much better and will kick up the loses. I mean, when I walk I lose about double the weight any given week. So, why am I not doing it? The first week after surgery I felt kinda drained walking. Today I felt fine but couldn't get a second one in as I had to leave for the hour drive to the doctor's appointment.
So Christmas is right around the corner. It is going to be a nice event I'm sure but I've got so much crap to take care of. Wrapping, mostly. We put up a tree but I could care less about decorations this year. My 1 year old would just try to play with them all and there is such a short amount of time before the holiday that I am not going to worry about it this year. Maybe next year.
Hmmm... other updates. Fantastically, I appear to have 6 followers now. I find that stellar.
Hmm... too much bad news lately. There is a 20 month old little girl missing in our state. It is just almost consuming me. I have a 15 month old. This makes me so sad. And I know the girl is probably dead and the family probably had something to do with it (most of the time that seems to be the case) and it is just... so tragically, unbelieveably sad. I need to get her off my mind but I can't seem to do that. I am going to do some books on tape and stuff in the car tomorrow. The world has so much bad news in it I just can't stand it. Human beings are just terrible to one another. It makes it hard to rejoice at the good news of Christmas. So I am going to turn off my radio and pop on a book on tape. Something fiction. Even if it's a murder mystery, as long as its fiction, I'm cool with that. No more bad news. Now if I can only get off of the newspaper websites. The little girl will remain my prayers, though.
So that is about it. I wish I had more time and motivation to write. But with 3 jobs and 2 kids, and the holiday right around the corner, times are busy. So if you celebrate, Merry Christmas!

1 Week Post-Op

So tonight I realized after supper that I am one week post op. This has been remarkably do-able in terms of pain and recovery. My stomach still feels kind of weird some times depending on what I eat. I'm not eating strictly mushes or whatever as I am supposed to be, but mostly. I'm chewing really really well. And no problems!

I do need to work on drinking the water a bit more. ::drinks some water:: I'm not having the starving new-bander syndrome yet. I guess with my doc, he fills you up to make sure all is well during the surgery, lets it come out to the natural stopping point, and caps it off then. So I have no idea how much is in my band, but it seems to be a reasonable amount.

It appears to be working. While I am not obsessing about the numbers on the scale I am enjoying watching them go down. I mean, it's nice and fun and feels good, so why not? So on days that I can remember to in the morning, I weigh in. I'm down to 282.6, I think. So, in about 3 lbs I will be at my highest weight watchers weigh-in weight. Ahhh... yup. Kinda sucks but, progress none the less. It means I've lost 28.4 lbs since September. Which isn't bad!

The incisions are healing up. Two of the little ones the tape has come off. I'm not hurrying that process along (they still look yucky) and only the port spot is the one that is sore. I'm still taking some pain meds-- not the narcotic, the acetaminophen or whatever it is.

I went back to work Monday. It wasn't fabulous because of the catch up work and feeling a little blah, but Tuesday was better and I went for a walk around campus. Usually I go twice a day. Once was definitely enough for me. Today was too busy for any walk and it rained most of the day so I didn't go.

I also had a Hershey kiss. Oops. That's a big fat lie. I had five Hershey's kisses. Yup. Three one time and then two later in the day. Damn. I knew I shouldn't and did it anyway. However, I did eat a lot fewer than I wanted to so I showed some amount of self control. A limited amount but like a muscle, flex it, use it and it shall grow. I need me some more will power. Practice. Practice. This is what I am telling myself.

I also saw a really morbidly obese student today. He looked so uncomfortable even holding his phone up to his ear. Last weekend we went out to dinner with friends (I had soup and a few bites of toasted bread chewed very well) and one of our friends is pretty big. He had trouble sitting in the booth. Now I had that problem when fat and pregnant, but not when not expecting a baby soon. I felt bad. I know how uncomfortable it is to be me sometimes, I can't imagine that kind of humiliation and discomfort. It was reaffirming to me about my band. I have to look for these things along the way to remind me about why it is important to make those different eating choices.

::sigh:: Okay... busy week with in-laws visiting this weekend to celebrate my son turning four. One of my two fabulous sons :) So lots to do and probably not enough time to do it. Such it life.......... best wishes for a fantastic week!

Dull Saturday Night

So I'm still recovering... feeling somewhat close to normal except that I slept funny and got a kink in my left shoulder and neck, and the resulting pain is about an 8 when I turn my head. Worse than the incision area, that's for sure.
My 4 year old (or soon to be- 2 days and counting!) was super hyper all day today. Not sure what got into him. On top of the hyper-activeness, my husband pissed me off. Didn't want to take me to our Church fair this morning. Which I always go to. So I was annoyed. He told me I could go and take the kids if I wanted. I explained in a fairly sharp tone of voice that no, I couldn't drive and certainly not with the kids in the car. What an ass. Most days he's a reasonable guy and a good husband. Today, not so much. He doesn't like my church and so he's a jerk about anything related to it. I'm pissed but moving on. Maybe. He needs to get his head out of his butt on this one.
I am the Sunday School Administrator at church. It brings in about $400 extra a month for us to work on paying down debt. So he could be a little nicer about it all. But whatever. I'm feeling rather resentful.
Today I picked up the living room, did a load of dishes (put away and put a new load in the dishwasher) and did 2 loads of laundry. Friends of ours are coming over tomorrow and so I'd like the place to look reasonable. Husband vacuumed but that was it. Oh, and got irritated when I asked him to bring down a basket of clothes and a bunch of stuff that I had earlier picked up outside (before a snow storm so his tools wouldn't get ruined) and had left on our table for him to bring downstairs. It's only been 2-3 weeks since that happened. BLAH. I don't mind doing most of the housework. But when I ask you to do something, do it and don't bitch about it. And hey, I did just have surgery three days ago. Perhaps you could chip in a little extra effort? I know it was surgery by choice but still, you could help pick up the slack.
To be fair, he finished installing the heat in our basement. So this is good. Tonight I will not need 5-6 blankets. But I still would like some more help around the house.
I'm planning on not taking any narcotics tomorrow and driving to church. The pain is mostly abated so we will see how it goes. I hope this damn kink in my neck is gone by morning! What a small life I lead :)

So recovery is going okay. I feel like the gas pain from the inflating of my belly is not that much fun... but I also think my stomach is not happy either with something I ate (a pill? yogurt?) or has some heartburn. It's hard for me to figure out which.
I have gotten more sleep in the past 2 days than I have in years. It has been very nice. The pain medication has helped me to do that because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to get as much sleep without a relaxer or whatever. I am overdue for this kind for this kind of sleep, though. I am busy ALL THE TIME.  Not in a bad way, in a making-extra-money-to-pay-off-debt way, but it still doesn't allow for me to do things like sleep a lot extra or spend time reading. Anywho....
I did get on the scale this morning. It hurt to bend over (not as badly as I expected, though) and I keep mine in a closet because we have a teeny bathroom, so I got it out and weighed myself. 285.6. Not bad! Well, not great but it was the lowest weight I've seen since before i was pregnant with my 1-y.o. son. When I decided to do weight-watchers in 2003, my highest weight then was 279.8. I lost 85 lbs... and gained it all back plus some (pregnancy, quitting smoking, emotional eating). So getting back down under that number will be great. And I'm not far away!
So that is it for now. I'm really getting into a lot of your blogs. There are some fabulous women on here. Cheers!

I'm Banded!!!!!

Alright folks, it's done! I became a Bandster yesterday! And today is going okay. I'm feeling reasonably (the gas they use to inflate your belly isn't that much fun, now is it?). I've been drinking just fine, nothing weird or funny feeling, and I've eaten a couple of times-- some greek yogurt then some cheese (melted then blended, blah blah blah). It went down okay. I didn't finish the yogurt. About 1/2 way through I thought... hmm.. am I full? That's weird. Prior to the yogurt I had been SO HUNGRY. I hadn't eaten in 2 days so even though I had the band done, I was ready to eat. I was nervous about it... worried about throwing up, etc. But nothing. Yay!
My weigh in at the surgery center was 286.2. I think that is a little low because I couldn't drink that day (and I was weighed in around 11:30 AM). I hope to see it go down more soon though. So it is a reasonable start from my highest weight of 311. A 25 lb loss prior to the surgery is not bad!
Dealing with the kiddos has been a little tough. My 4 year old doesn't really know what's going on. He wouldn't know to not tell everyone and their brother, so I've been fairly vague about why I am stiff/sore/etc. My younger son, who is 1, has no knowledge of course except that I'm not spending any time picking him up and holding him. I quickly picked him up this morning to get him changed before my husband brought them to daycare. That hurt a bit but I expect over the next couple of days that will get better.
Oh, and one other good thing-- my blood pressure has been really low the last couple of checks. Not scary low or anything, but 92/78 and such.. I've always had lower blood pressure and then as my weight crept up, it went up. Now that I am exercising regularly and have lost 25 lbs, it seems to be better. I'm glad for this as strokes run in my family.
So there we have it. I'm banded... wohooo!!!


Question: Can anyone help me put a ticker on my blog? I can't seem to use the ticker factory's on here!

Pre-Op diet: Day 2.

I hate to say it like this, but I am already cheating. To a very low calorie count, but still. I need to figure out how this is going to work best.

See, I got home and warmed up a lean cuisine for supper (per the diet instructions). And ate it. And then I was going to make a protein shake later. But I've already had two today and wasn't thrilled by the idea of it. Especially since I've had 80 grams or so of protein already. So I had about 1 oz. of turkey keilbasa and 1 sf mouse cup with a dollop of whip cream (like 1/2 teaspoon or less). And a bite of rice. So probably around the 200 calories that the shake would have been. I just wanted something to eat instead of the damn shakes. I don't like them that well. It's not that it tastes bad, it's just that I like food. Hence, the current situation.

So while I wasn't perfect today, I did avoid the candy in the office, the cookies at our open house, etc. I never even had a piece of halloween candy at work (or at home-- I had 3 small ones on halloween and none before or after-- I'm a rockstar on that one because boy are they easy to eat! and, there have been tons around).

Today's scale was pretty okay. Down to 292. In 1 pound I will have lost 20 lbs pre-op. Perhaps I'll see that tomorrow?

I did go for a walk today. Twice. It's such a pain in the ass to do. But when I do it, I feel better every time. And then I think "this is what normal people do all the time."

Fake it till you make it, right!?!

I am just so ready for this period to be over. At some point I will take some pictures. Probably the day before surgery. I'm starting to get excited. Especially reading some of the success stories. They blow me away. I'm looking forward to it :)

So I haven't written in a while and maybe I won't write again.. but I just wanted to track a little bit. No one reads this so it matters not much, except I want to have a record of events.

I am scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks. YUP. 2 weeks! This means that I started my pre-op diet today.

I am scheduled to take off 3 days for the surgery and recovery (plus the weekend). I am hopeful I feel up to work on the following Monday. I was kind of surprised how quickly they scheduled me in - my meeting with the surgeon was 1 week ago. So they rock in how quickly they got this set up. I am very pleased by that. 

It is awkward- I am not at a place where I am interested in telling folks at work. One nice thing is that my office is moving to another building so I am thinking people are not really going to notice a change in my habits as I suspect they would in the current set up. I haven't been there a long time (2 1/2 months) so I am not really close to anyone. We will see how it all goes. I am looking forward to it all and to getting this done with!

So here are my stats currently:

Highest weight: 311

Start of pre-op diet: 293.6

Goal weight: 175 (I think, for now. We will see. I'm not married to the number-- it's how I feel!).

So soon I will be a bander. I am looking forward to joining you all FINALLY!

Another baby step

So this week I started my new job- and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I think I have found my career "home." I know it is awfully soon to say that, but it is just a great fit for me. So, I am pleased as can be.

I am also pleased that I am now insured (though I haven't picked my plan yet). I called my bariatric surgeon's office. They asked me if I had lost all the weight I needed to (get down to 292) and I told a lie- said no, I was at 300. Last weigh-in I was around 305. So I'm not there yet. But I don't have a chance to go get weighed in for a bit anyway. So I am going to plug away. Anyhow, they told me to come in, get weighed, and then they would consult with the surgeon about moving forward. All you out there seem to get lap-band fairly quickly. They really make you work for it here.

Here is in the Northeast- which means hurricane Irene is on her way... We haven't gotten prepared for that other than food shopping. So we will do that first thing in the morning. All will be well I am sure.

The insurance- it makes me nervous. Of course as soon as I got access to benefit information online I searched for weight loss and surgery coverage. It said it covers gastric bypass, intestinal something else, and something else. But lap-band wasn't mentioned in any way that I have ever heard it referred to before. So I am going to have to get the details. I will be so bummed if it is not covered and will have to figure out a plan B. I have no idea what that would be. Maybe get health insurance under my husband's plan? I don't know. Blech.

Overall, life is good. Oh, and I got an IUD put in this week. For some weird reason that was really emotional for me. Perhaps because I was on my period (which is when they put it in YUCK!) but at least I won't have to remember to take birth control. Fun stuff :)

This past week has been challenging because it is daycare vacation and I've got the kids 24/7. And I have to keep them quiet because Pops (what we call my husband/their father quite a bit, but Daddy works as well) is sleeping as he is now working the night shift.

I volunteered all day yesterday putting on a conference. It went really well but I did not realize how much time I was going to be "on." Not only on in front of everyone presenting, but the whole day my mind was "on." I had to get up at 6, take care of the babe (poor thing is still suffering from an ear infection and was up 2 times that night - and William woke up once cuz he very unusually peed his underwear in the bathroom so I was up 3 times the night before, having gone to bed at 11:30), get dressed up, get coffee going and breakfast, etc., then a friend of mine came to carpool at 7:00, and then two friends of mine came to watch the kids all day at 7:15. We left then and the day never stopped! I went to bed at 9 last night.

In terms of eating, I did okay. I had a greek yogurt for breakfast (the spell check wants me to capitalize greek, lol), stayed away from the continental breakfast of carbohydrates, a rollup sandwich of turkey, cheese, lettuce and roasted peppers, had veggies, 3 crackers, and 4 small pieces of cheese. Then had whole wheat pasta and turkey meatballs with tomato sauce for supper. And a jello sugar free mouse for desert. So it could have been worse. I also munched on some croutons (bad!) while making dinner. We also had bread with supper and I very much enjoyed that. Now with the level of sleep I got the night before, the stress of the day, being with people every moment of the day-- I call this a victory. I didn't count the calories (I went to bed early) but I may throw them in the counter later. I weighted myself and was up .6. After 2 not-spectacular days of eating. I am really really trying. So I feel like the .6 is not the end of the world.

Today has been okay as well. Much more relaxed. More yogurt for breakfast and then a wrap for lunch. I made a big salad to go with it, but found I wasn't hungry for the whole thing so I'll save that for my dinner with some chicken on top. I ate a fiber one bar instead.

Right now the baby is still sleeping, my older kiddo is up from his nap, and I'm thinking about going and getting them haircuts. Perhaps tonight we'll take the boys to the beach?

I'm starting to get really excited about work on Monday!

What I'm looking forward to

Today I was thinking about some of the things I am looking forward to once again. See, I did lose 90 lbs once before. It was great. Boy, don't I wish I had kept it off! Anyway, I'm looking forward to a lot of things.

• Not worrying about weight capacities in kayaks, chairs, roller-coasters
• Wearing shoes that don't make my feet look fat
• Being able to shop in regular stores
• Not having eczema any more
• Not being tired all the time
• Not having my feet hurt so quickly
• Getting rid of back fat!!

In other news, I am down to 306. 11 lbs to go and then I am qualified for surgery! :)  It feels so strange to be excited by that number, but I am. At least it is going the right direction! Can you believe that AFTER I had my youngest I gained 20 lbs? Awesome-meeeeee.

I am still eating fairly low calorie. This is not easy with my kids being on daycare vacation. And this weekend was not stellar. But still, things are going okay.

Tracking away.......

So I am tracking away on my food intake. Calorie by calorie, grams of fat and protein everywhere... and hoping that it all makes a difference.
I know not to eat too little food so that my body goes into starvation mode. I've been averaging around 1500-1600 calories a day (remember, I am pre-band). I'm trying to get my weight down low enough so I don't have to spend much time with the bitch nutritionist. I've been dieting for a decade... there is little that she is going to tell me (her perfect skinny no-band self) that I haven't read, heard, learned, or done. She really had quite an attitude with me, essentially telling me I should have gastric bypass instead. That's for your opinion- now shut up! So I am hoping to get to the weight required (295) before my next appointment (which I have not set up yet- I get insurance a week from tomorrow).
It is amazing how much salt effects my weight. I had two salty foods one day and the next day the scale registered 2 lbs higher. Yikes. But I had done okay eating so it shouldn't have been 2 fat lbs. Whatever.. fluctuation is normal, right?
My husband starts his night job tonight. And the kids have daycare vacation all week. I've got a ton to get done before a conference on Wednesday (like, put together power point and prep for a presentation in front of 100 people) but I am not sure when I am going to do this. Perhaps during their nap tomorrow. I still have to go grocery shopping so we have some food to eat, too. I feel like all we did was run run run this weekend and no time for real rest. I am in need of it, especially since this week will have few breaks!
Off to dreamland :)

Down :)

So I weighed myself this morning and I was down 2.8 lbs. Now, I realize that this is not all real weight loss, but it makes me feel good about the work that I have done the past two days. I know that sounds so silly, but it has been challenging. I love food... and I eat when I am stressed out. And I have a lot of stuff going on right now. Such as:

• My Great-Aunt passed away this past weekend. She was almost 90. My Gram passed away almost 2 years ago and now there is only one sister left of the 5 siblings. Its sad to watch an era slowly pass away. And seeing Margaret only a week before... very sad. We knew she would go soon but I was hoping to see her one more time and get to spend some more time with her. In addition, she morphed to look a lot like my Gram in the past year, and that brings up a lot of sadness. 
• I got a new job. It's going to be about an hour away from my home and that stresses me out. Leaving the field I work in stresses me out. I'm really really looking forward to it, but change can be hard. 
• My husband is switching jobs to a night position. I do not love this for all the reasons you can imagine, especially having 2 young children at home. So I'm not looking forward to that. 
• I've got a number of things going on right now - helping to facilitate a conference, preparing for a mentoring informational session, etc. Many irons in the fire, so to speak. 
• I've got a HUGE to-do list of things to get done before I go back to work and lose all this "free" time. I have been working on it pretty hard-core but it is a substantial list. And the idea of not having this kind of time, and having 2 part-time jobs in addition to a full time job, two kids, a husband, and a home to take care of, is a little stressful. 
• I know that it's "on" and I've got to lose some weight to get the surgery. This is my saving grace but is a stress-er, too.

 It is going to be a challenge to do this but I will get there. Right??? Right????

Better living through better eating?

I am working on the 15 lbs I have to lose. Man, this is tough. I find myself thinking about food, oh, all the time. This is not normal for me. But I feel restricted by my diet so of course it is going to be this way at first. But I've got to get the 15 lbs off and so I am going to do what it takes. It is freaking tough, though.
So I am drinking protein shakes. Never done them before, so this is new. I am still getting used to it. I am having 2 per day. And I am tracking using fatsecret.com. So far, so good. Yesterday I ate 1655 calories with a lot of protein -- 125g. Perhaps I should do less on the protein? It didn't seem to make a difference one way or the other. I've tracked so far today and I'm doing well. So good stuff.
That's all... I just wanted to get it out there into the world that I'm starting to get on track. Here's hoping. I can't keep going up!!!

A new job-- On to surgery!

I am so very pleased to write that I have a new job! I wasn't expecting to want to take the job, but when I think about all the good things that I will be doing, and then I look at the handsome salary, it is a no-brainer. And I get 4 weeks of vacation a year!!! I can't tell you how excited that makes me. My kids have 2 weeks of day-care vacation every year and so when you take those out of a three week a year job, it doesn't leave much time off at all- a couple of days around Christmas, maybe? A random Friday before a Monday holiday? So an extra week sounds fantabulous! In addition, Excellent! health insurance- and that means, on to band-land!
I am so happy about this. I start on the 22nd- so I hope to have surgery by the end of October, at the LATEST. Which means I have to get my buns in gear losing the 15 lbs required of me. Which sucks that I haven't done that yet. But I have really enjoyed the summer.
I am so hopeful, so excited, so >>>> ?? <<<< thrilled! to be taking this next step. I can't wait to have more energy.
The bad part of the job- it is about an hour away. The good part: it is something new, it pays really well with excellent benefits, and it is at a University. So... on to new and exciting things!

Awesome Day [Alternate title: Cranky Pants]

Today, I am cranky pants. Ever wake up and just know that things are not going to go your way? That was my day today and let me tell you, it sucked. Nothing epic, just a ton of moderately annoying crap resulting in me feeling like I just should have stayed in bed.

For starters, I got up 3 times with the babe last night. It wasn't awful, but I need my sleep in the way that most people need air. So that wasn't great. The last time I got up I went up the stairs to calm Lucas, and I saw the coffee pot full of coffee. Thinking my husband had already left at this point for work (he gets up at 3:30) I thought, oh good, he made me coffee. This is good.  Awesome!

So finally I get up for the day around 6:30... get William ready, feed Lucas, blah blah blah. Go to grab a cup of coffee to go... and there is none. Not one brown drop. Nothin'. The pot is bone dry. Awesome.

I bring the kids to daycare.. da da dah. Come home to do some work- had written a 15 page program evaluation on Monday, done some more interviewing of program staff Tuesday, was to finish it up today. Start working on it. Go to scroll down... and there are only 2 pages. Hunt, hunt, hunt in the computer for an autosaved file... that apparently doesn't exist. Realize I have to do it all over again.

Crap.

Spend the day re-doing what I had already done. Awesome.

Husband gets home from first day back at crappy job that he doesn't like (quit and went to work some-place else.. then they folded... then we both got to be unemployed... he sucked it up and went back to work)... so he comes home grumpy. With cranky kids. Including a 3.5  year old who didn't have a nap today. Awesome.

Make dinner, tend to kids while husband takes good long shower, cuts his nails, shaves, and generally spends a long time in the bathroom. Feed said kids, with baby screaming through half of dinner. How relaxing. And awesome.

So then I go for a walk, taking the babe. Feel like maybe I can still turn this day around. It's 6:00 PM but anything's possible, right?

Start the bedtime routine at 7:00. Changing grumpy 3.5 year old, get him to brush teeth. Do stories. Have husband do story. Go to do snuggle, kid won't listen. Says he doesn't want this, doesn't want that. Get frustrated. Have 25 minute back and forth yelling match with kid. Haven't had this much problem getting him to go to bed ever. Day couldn't get much more awesome.

Oh yeah it could... husband could be grumpy at me for the bedtime session, let babe scream, crab at me, and then get mad at me for being mad at him being mad at me. He could then tell me to stop talking to him and I could. Awesome.

Turn on TV to finally veg out alone... no satellite (a storm?). Awesome.

So now I sit on the couch. Its awesome.

And then I read blog after blog of incredible women doing great things, and being successful with their bands, and its enough to want to make me cry. Health care coverage for the band- now that, would really, truly be awesome. Along with a good nights sleep and a fresh, new day.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

Part of the reason that I have not written in a while is because I am on hold with my surgery because I no longer have health care. Fabulous, huh? Well, that is what happens when you get laid off.

This first week of being unemployed was fairly busy. Part of me has an uneasy feeling, though, and I just want to be re-insured, get this process going again. I have done everything but lose 15 lbs, have a sonogram of my gallbladder, meet with the surgeon and set a date. Oh, and decide which surgery I'm having.

Yeah, I still haven't done that. I am not sure which to do. I really cannot figure out what I want. I am leaning towards lapband. It is so hard to decide. I wish that I knew what was right for me but I don't know and this trying to figure it out is tough stuff.

I am so ... displeased .. about not having health insurance and not being able to move forward with this. I may have it in a couple of weeks if I should be selected for a temporary job that will soon be available. It would be the same insurance that I had before so I know that I would be covered, not have to jump through crazy hoops, etc.

I have not been working on losing weight. I haven't weighed myself in a week or so. When I did the last time I was at my same weight. Considering the stress of losing my job, that is not the worst thing in the world. I am finding grace and patience in losing my job but it still leaves me a bit uneasy.

Every night I pray with my 3.5 year old as we snuggle before bed. We do prayers then and I often find myself not doing my own prayers. So last night I took the time to pray and today, I got a good phone call about contracting for a position. It would be short term but in addition to another contracted position I was offered, it would make life manageable and I would be able to keep my kids in daycare. So from this I am reminded to have faith. And that was essentially what I prayed about last night. That god's will would be done and that I knew that we would be taken care of even though I had lost my job. And so I am thankful, yet again, to God today.

I am not a hugely religious person but I find that when I keep God in my every day, my days are better. Perhaps it is mindfulness, karma, or being more deliberate, but whatever the case may be, life is better with God in it.

So I will stay in this holding pattern until I get health insurance. I am going to work on losing weight. I missed the last two weeks of zumba and haven't been to the YMCA. That has GOT to change. Starting in the morning... get this show on the road, right?

Frustrated.

My case is on hold right now. For lapband or gastric. And I gained weight even though I did a pretty good job with eating and writing down my food.
On Saturday my husband made brownies. And that set me off. And then I got my period. And that set me off. And I am losing my job in a week. And that sets me off. And I am trying to not be too hard on myself but it is not a great time for me right now. I am ready for a change. My in-laws are coming this weekend for my son's baptism. STRESS. And the weather has been crap. And I have a laundry list of displeasure.
Most of all I feel like I am eating in a fashion that is not good for me but is hard to get a handle on. I ended up going out to lunch yesterday and that was a hard thing to do... I hadn't planned on it, was broke, and spent my menu-perusing time looking for the cheapest food on the menu (about $10 which isn't cheap for a sandwich/fries). I didn't even think about healthy, really.  And last night I did some late night eating with some peanut butter. Good times. AHHHHHHHHHH. Feeling out of control!
I am so upset about my case being put on hold. It feels pointless to try and lose now. I know that it is not. I met with the nutritionist on Tuesday and waited a half hour for her to see me. And then she was not very impressive at all. I found her so annoying and I wasn't that nice to her. I really wasn't. It was tense. I don't f*ing need someone to tell me how to eat. I know what and how much I SHOULD eat- I just am not able to follow through on that. But it is not for lack of knowledge. I felt like she was rather condescending and I was so not impressed. And making menus out for what you are going to eat several months from now? "What do you think you'll want to have for a snack?" Who knows? It is in several months! I know how to read a menu, I don't need to role-play with you about how to eat. I was just really cranky at her. I could not have been less impressed. I hope to not see her again. BLAH.
I am really just not in a great space right now.

Changing Course

So I think that I am changing course.

I met with a bariatric nurse. She was helpful but, of course, could not tell me which surgery to do- gastric or lapband. I had thought when I started this process that I would absolutely do lapband. Now I am considering gastric.

Why?

This is such a hard process for me. I know where I want to go, the reasons to get the surgery. I know that I want it. But it is so hard to chose.
Here's why:

• I know I can lose all the weight with lapband, but people often are able to get there a lot quicker with gastric.
• It kinda weirds me out about having the lapband in me forever. 
• Fills require driving, time, tolls, gas, and co-pays. I have no idea how many I will need.
• My skin will not adjust better to one form of weight loss (I thought slower might help things spring back better... ha... not so much...). 
• I've read some blogs that make me think that some people get a little weird with lapband... almost like it becomes an eating disorder. I am not judging, I just want to not go down that path myself. 

Reasons to get gastric instead:

• Most people lose more weight with gastric
• Weight comes off faster
• Fewer follow-up visits
• No difference in skin recovery
• Seems easier. It may not be, it just seems like it is. I know the recovery is harder and such, but it seems like ... you get the right restriction from day 1 and then the mal-absorption feature for the first 18 months cuts out 1/3 of calories... it seems easier. I could be wrong. But ultimately, I want this to be easier. 

Reasons to get lapband instead:

• Slower weight-loss so fewer people will know (at this point, I'm not all about sharing this with the world. I may feel differently later on but I am where I am right now). 
• Regular contact with the bariatric center can improve long term success. 
• Can eat more foods without dumping syndrome. 
• No dumping syndrome. 
• Can eat larger quantities of food in general. 

So I am mulling. I'm going through the damn process and mulling.  I really love to think about what it will like to be thin, to be able to move. That is one reason I love my water aerobics class- I feel like I can move like I did when I was 200 lbs (I know!). I want to feel that on land again and be able to run and play and have energy to have the fun that this life is supposed to be.

And so I consider....................

Bottom of the Gutter

Today felt like I was at the bottom of a gutter. I received my layoff notice. Now, I knew this may be coming. But I did not expect to get it to today and I did not expect my final day to be June 3rd.

So I cried. A lot. I work in an office mostly by myself... long story. No one else was around today and so I got to slobber and drip by myself. But it was hard. It feels like a failure. The funding for the federal grant that has paid for my position for a year is over. There may be some other options but as of now, I will be unemployed in a month. The organization is looking as being changed legislatively (Friday will tell us a lot more) and so ... everything just seems like such a mess.

And in the back of my mind, with all this news, I keep thinking how I can't loose my insurance! My insurance totally covers Lapband (except for a $100 co-pay) and so I am terrified that I am going to get a crap insurance at a future job and not be able to do this and that would be just awful!

Tomorrow is my new patient orientation. I am going to ask them if there is any way to get it done sooner rather than later. I am sure they will say no. But it cannot hurt to ask. I am willing to do all the steps that it takes to get it done... lets just speed this up people!

Making Some Progress

So I finally got my "good" WLS letter from the medical center I am going through. They really make you jump through hoops to do this. I am doing it as quickly as I possibly can because I am scheduled to lose my job in June and I would like to get this done while I have good insurance. I'm not sure that I am going to be able to make it.
So the things I have to do:
5/5/11: New Patient Orientation Class
5/10/11: Eating For Life Class # 1
5/17/11: Eating for Life Class # 2
Then I can schedule an appointment with the Dietitian. And after that hoop, I get to meet with the surgeon to be evaluated. There is no way I am going to make it by the middle of June. Blah.
The other things that they need to do:
1). Get a medical clearance letter from my doctor. I will call on Monday.
2). Attempt some weight loss. I will start Wednesday. More on that later.
3). Obtain a copy of my insurance policy- done.
4). Start an exercise program- done.
5). Watch 2 videos on the surgeries - done.
6). Plan ahead to pay a $500 deposit. This sucks. I'm not sure how to get this done.
7). Seek out info on which surgery to have and make a decision- Done (Lap-Band).

So #2. I have the new patient orientation on Wednesday so I will weigh in then. I'm not going to go crazy between now and then but I am not going to be consciously trying to lose because at the beginning of weight loss you lose more so I want that boost to be a part of my 5% loss they're requiring of me. So I need to lose like... 16? pounds or something. They will tell me next week. And the surgeon will, too. Losing is not going to be easy. Of course. It never is. But when I did Weight Watchers about 5 years ago I was able to lose 85 lbs. So I am going to focus on doing what I can, exercising as much as possible, and doin' the work.

I am glad to be making some progress on this. Waiting for the letter was so hard for me!

Thinking This Through

So tonight I ate the house. Yep, pretty much. Easter candy, chips/sour cream. I didn't eat well all day and at dinner tonight we didn't have a veggie (we always have a veggie except pizza night). The kids have been sick and I just didn't want to cook one tonight. I don't know. Anyhow, I ate like crap. And a minute ago I was about to go to bed. But then I thought about it and I felt the need to blog it. Not because I needed to tell someone (no one is reading this anyway) but because I needed to think it through.
So why did I eat like this?

• I am tired
• I was bored
• I was hungry
• There were not a lot of good food choices that I was interested in
• I was wanting to be satisfied
• I am stressed about work and the fact that I am probably losing my job in 2 months and I have no f*ing way to support my kids without the job. If I get unemployment, even at the top tier of it, I will make less than half of what I make now. Which will not pay the bills. I have a master's degree. THIS is not supposed to happen. 

Okay... so there are some reasons. And the food was there. Which is a big mistake. I need to not have crap in the house because then I will eat it. Blah. Which I did and now I feel like crap myself.
So tomorrow is a new day. But my clothes (PJs) feel tight and gross and I ... just want to get weighed and start losing weight towards the surgery and get a move-on on the surgery. I walked out to the mailbox today to get the mail- and nothing. I should be getting a letter here soon with the next instructions. But it did not arrive today and I am not pleased about that either. I am needing to feel like I am moving forward and making progress so that I can calm myself about wanting to get out of my skin. I hate my body right now. I have never been this big in my life. I know I had a baby about 6 months ago, but this is just too much for me. I need to make some progress soon. And to do that I need to get weighed at the program and then I can start working on losing the 15 lbs or whatever that I need to lose. I am feeling trapped without knowing the next steps and when I can take them. UGH.
Okay, so that about covers it, I think. ::sigh::
I repeat: Tomorrow is a new day.

Rejected... but not really.

So today I went to my mailbox (not a common occurrence as I only seem to get crap mail) to check and see if I would get a letter stating the next steps for me in this Lap-band process. I open up the mailbox, and among all the junk, there it is: a letter from the program. I open it up and quickly read... getting to the line that says "At this time you do not meet the criteria of our program" and then I am taken aback. I continue reading... "Although your BMI is 48...."

They rejected me because I do not have co-morbid conditions and they thought I had state-sponsored health insurance. I don't. I have private insurance. So they screwed up.

I called, left a message, got a call back and she said they would now really take a look at my file because they only did a once-over when they thought I had different insurance.

Hmmmm....okay... They will take a few days to review my file and then they will send me some more information on taking the next steps. I really want this process to get a move on. I am tired of waiting. It took me so long to get to the point where I felt like this was a route that I wanted to take. So I am there now. I am ready.

And tonight I ate a ton. I don't do that usually but my husband is a grump-face and I am tired and stressed out as my job may be ending in a few weeks (6) and I have a mortgage and a ton of bills that I am barely paying now. So I think the stress is ... not that much fun. And I was putting some cheese in my mouth tonight and I am thinking at the time "I'm not hungry, why I am I doing this?" and in it went anyway. And so did granola with yogurt and an apple. Impressive.

Oh well. Guilt won't get me anywhere.

I had some photos sent to me the other day that I am in. And I looked at my leg in one of them and my thigh looked like a giant tree trunk. And that grosses me out and pisses me off and I am just so done. So recieving the "you're fat but we're not going to help you" letter was discouraging, even though it was wrong.

So I am tired now. Hopefully grump-face will be reasonable about getting some things done around on his day off tomorrow. It is not like a day off is a frickin holiday. But alas, that is beyond the scope of this blog.

Intro

It is hard for me to figure out what to say. I want to write so badly and to share my upcoming journey. I also want to read, to hear, to learn about what others have gone through. I've been reading through a lot of blogs and I'm not sure I have it in me to keep one myself. I want a record, though, of my journey from who and how I am now to getting where I want to be.

I am in the process of going for weight loss surgery. Lap-band, to be more specific.

I want to blog to keep track, but also because I want to share my story. And be a part of a community. Not a "fat" or "thin" or "weight loss" community per say, but a place where that can be a topic that I talk about. In my real life, I don't talk about my weight very often. I have a little with this process but only with the people I would generally be okay talking about it with, anyway.

It is tough to be in the professional world and be fat. I entered my career about a hundred pounds lighter than I am now. Yeah... impressive, huh? Not so much. So here I am in a position of influence and more high-stakes than I ever thought I'd be in, and I feel like an ogre. I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be fat, I don't want to feel like crawling out of my skin. I don't want to be embarassed climbing three flights of stairs and at the top of the stairs trying to hide the fact that I am panting, I can't catch my breath. While my 100-lb. gorgeous co-worker merrily goes about regular life. It is not that much fun to feel truly obese.

Now let me be clear- I am not a shy person, I am not a person who hates herself or thinks I am worthless. I'm happy with most every part of my life. But not my weight. I don't want to be defined by it and I feel like that is what is happening. I feel like people look at me and wonder why I am so fat. They think that I am lazy, not smart, or ... I don't know. But I am at a place where I am ready to make some changes. And so I am going to do the lap-band.

It has not been easy to get to this point. To decide that this is what I want for my life. This is a big change and in a lot of ways it was a struggle to get to the point of considering WLS. I tried to do it on my own. I tried to lose weight using Weight Watchers. I did really well. I lost 85 lbs. And then my life blew up. And then I had a baby (he's 3 1/2 now). And then I gained back all of the weight. And then I had another baby (who is 6 months old now) and I gained another 30 lbs. And I can't seem to make any progress in getting the weight to come off.

My internal process has been huge. I have always thought of WLS as ... what does it say about a person who can't control their eating so they have to have a sugerical proceedure to control it for them? What is wrong with them? And then it turns out, that is me. And there isn't anything especially "wrong" with me. I am an over-eater, I stress-eat, and my body hordes calories. 

It is hard to process the idea of WLS and come to realize that this isn't the easy way out. It is not; I can see that from the blogs I've read. Sometimes I think I am crazy for doing this. And then I look in the mirror and realize that I would be crazy not to. My weight hasn't gotten and stayed better. I need this intervention. I need it. Before I have serious health problems. Before I can't tie my shoes. Before my son looks at me and says, "Momma, why are you so fat?" I can't hear that. I just can't. I won't. I will change so I don't have to hear those words.

It is amazing what people will do for their children. God, I don't want my kids to think that there is something wrong with me for being overweight. I don't want them to feel outcast by it. I felt that myself enough growing up. And moreover, I want to teach them healthy living. A healthy lifestyle.

I already am pretty healthy. Not really with the amount of food I eat but I do try to eat reasonably okay food and not let my kids consume a lot of junk. We eat dinner together at the table every night. We don't do a lot of sweets. I quit smoking. I go to the gym several days a week- I use the fitness room (blah, not my fav) once a week, aquasize at least once a week, and then I do Zumba on Saturdays and then take my son swimming. Then a lot of weekends we go swimming with my parents and the kiddos on Sunday after church. So we're active. I am teaching them those good habits. But something else isn't clicking as I am staying huge. So lap-band it is.

One of my personal goals is to blog it. To track my journey and to really be able to look and see the progression of it all- of the process (holy- it is a lot!) to outcomes. I want to see if my mind progresses... how to deal with emotional eating, etc.

So that is my intro. Pleased to meet ya!