While this whole weight loss "thing" has been great, it's hard to do, and hard to be thinner. See, my body is never going to be the body of a person who wasn't morbidly obese. I don't look like a typical 195 lb woman. I've got a stomach that... wiggles... by itself. I've got arms that could be used by red squirrels. I've got thighs that, though smaller, can spread out when I sit down to proportions hardly matched by my previous 311 lb self. So while I am smaller, my victory (of sorts) seems ... diminished.

I am really glad I've gotten to this weight. I'd really like to get lower. I'd like to get to goal. But I'm processing, in my stuffingmyfacerecentlyself, that I'm never going to have the body or appearance I want. Mind you, I am not obsessed with my looks. I'm a proud woman, and confident, and don't feel badly about myself as a human being. I like who I am for the most part. But I look at these.. rolls..  and wiggles, and I feel... defeated. To some degree, anyhow. I'd much rather be this weight, but when I look at the recesses in my stretch marks, I am reminded about how out of control my weight got. And then I think, can I really hold on to this? Can this be permanent? I think it can be but I am desperately afraid. That this is the lowest I'll get (I've been struggling to lose lately) and that I might go back up. Can I be satisfied with this weight? I don't know. I'm not satisfied with the foods I have been CONSUMING lately. Cheez its and peanuts and all kinds of crap. I'm not satisfied with that at all. I can't seem to be able to control myself. And so though I eat smaller portions, I'm still feeling out of control.

My bariatric nurse sometimes says that she can see that I have made major life changes. I feel like laughing at her. Because I have done some things differently, but many things remain the same. I still eat pasta. And bread. And other crap that is not good for me. It's harder to do and I eat smaller portions, but it's not like I've radically changed myself, my life style. I'm doing better than I used to, but I don't feel over the hump. I don't feel changed permanently. I'm not there yet. I don't love to exercise, nor do I do it all the time. I am just.. managing. And what if that isn't good enough? What if I can't maintain this? What will I have to do next?

I remind myself what my therapist says... I have some choices in this. It is within my control. And I've been feeling out of control lately about my eating. I fully expect tomorrow's weigh in to show a gain. And that makes me not so happy. So I need to focus on what modifications I can make, I can incorporate into my life, so that I get the results I want. I CAN DO THIS. Can you?

To be a "normal" weight

The most I can weigh and fall into the classification of "normal" weight by BMI is 159 lbs (BMI of 24.9). I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure if I want to do that. I don't know if that would be a good weight for me or not. 

See, my goal weight has traditionally been 175 lbs. I am just shy of that weight by 20 lbs, and so I'm starting to think about if that is going to be a good final weight for me. Based on the fact that I'm wearing a size 16, I'm not sure that it is the right weight for me... would I be a 14 then? I'm not sure. I look at photos of myself sometimes and still see me weighing a lot. I certainly don't think, feel, or look thin. Then again, at nearly 200 lbs I wouldn't! But I have lost almost 115 lbs so it feels like I SHOULD be those things.

What size do I want to wear? I don't know. A 12 would be phenomenal. A 10... I can't even consider that. I've never pictured myself as thin. More important than my final weight is not regaining weight once I've lost it. I know that's going to be a challenge. I lost 90 lbs on weight watchers once before, and then regained it all plus some. So I know maintenance is going to be hard... but still getting to goal, whatever number or size that happens to be, is my first objective. I'm not sure I'll ever be a "normal" weight, but I'm striving to get to a place where I feel good about my weight, my body, my activity level and my energy. 

Making a bit of progress

So lately I have been making a bit of progress. I know that I continue to focus on the scale numbers but they simply still do matter to me. They are only one measure of my progress and they continue to be important to me. I weighed in yesterday, my weigh in day, at 196.4. For a total of 114.6 lbs lost. It's surprising to me since I've been indulging in some Easter candy (yes, still), but I'm glad for the progress.

I am still sick. I've been reading online review of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, and I want to do it. But I'm not going to until I feel a bit better. My ear is full of fluid and has been for about 10 days. I've been sick for about 8 weeks with a cold that turned into a sinus infection. I'm so tired of being sick, and taking medication, and not feeling well, and not being able to hear well. Now there is an echo-y sound in my ear kind of like those fake microphone tube things that children talk into. It's real fun. And yesterday I had to pick my son up from daycare as they called to tell me he had a 101 fever and wasn't acting himself. He seemed fine at home, though a little warm, and had no problems last night. But this morning he coughed in his bed before getting up quite a few times... and I feel like my nose is stuffed and I might be getting it. Could that seriously happen? I'm ready for spring and more time outdoors and open windows. But for now we run the pellet stove in hopes that soon we can retire it for the season. Last night we got snow (just a dusting) so I'm not sure what to expect at this point.

As a family one evening we did go for a walk this week down to the playground. My husband had never been to that particular playground (we usually walk up the hill to the bigger one) and the boys had a ball. Though we only stayed about 20 minutes, it was nice to get some fresh air. After reading a NY Times article about the importance of talking to your children, we've decided to make sure the TV is off for the night by 6:30. At the end of the day when you're tired and you haven't stopped, its hard to turn off the TV when it's placating the children... but we'll do it because it's whats best for them. Oy.

Alright... off to prep lunch for the boys. The exciting life I live!

Cheez Its and Easter Candy...... the death of me

Only a quick note tonight... Cheez Its and Easter Candy are currently the bane of my existence  Why do I have them in the house? For my son's school snack and because we just had Easter. The bottom line: if I have crap in the house, I will eat it.

The band has not changed that. I have not changed that.

Whether I lose or gain weight is totally within my control. So, first things first... stop eating the junk!

So here are two commitments I am making to myself.

1. No more Cheez Its from this box. And no buying another box!

2. No more Easter Candy.

Wait, did I just write that? No more Easter Candy? I love how I capitalize it as if it is a proper noun.

Can I really not eat any more Easter Candy? I can.

It would be helpful for my weight loss efforts if I did not indulge in any more crap foods (specifically the two listed above this week). It's a better way to look at it - helpfulness verses shaming myself for eating SO MUCH JUNK. It was not helpful for my weight-loss goals to eat food that does not sustain me and is unhealthy. I am going to work on choosing some healthier foods.

This is what happens when you don't have time to grocery shop on a weekend where a candy holiday occurs. So off to the grocery tomorrow!

Coasting Along

I have been sick for about seven weeks now. First it was a cold, then it turned into a chest cold, then a sinus infection. I am now recovering from the sinus infection... but generally, I have been sick for almost two months. And coupled with that, sickened children and spouse. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

So weight loss has been on the back burner. I'm down to 198. Did you read that? 198! Well, this morning I was a bit higher but my official weigh-in was 198. Yeah, I'm thrilled. I'm below my driver's license weight finally, and in ONEderland. But I have not been losing at a rate that I'm satisfied with but it's like, get real. Like I am going to be focusing on weight loss when I am miserably sick.

Work is stressing me out. A lady I used to go on walks with has not asked me to walk with her. I think it's because the other lady we walk with doesn't like me very well. It's not that much fun to feel not that liked at work. I have a hard time connecting with people. That sounds a bit odd, but I really don't have many friends. I'd like to have more and see those that I do have I'd like to see more, but as it is I am not terribly social. Kids take a lot of time and energy. I'd like to meet some people who are not needy or emotionally a wreck. I have a few friends who are not, but for the most part my closest friends have a lot of personal problems.

When I mean that I don't connect well with people... It's true. I'm exceptionally liberal and somewhat granola-y, really care about issues and the world and education and learning. Really I am focused on bigger picture ideas and love to get jazzed up about things. And I'm not terribly touchy-feely. I'm not overly emotional for the most part. I'm quite passionate about some things and can get quite fired up, but I don't get all that excited over little dramas. Anyway, I'm feeling lonely at work and wishing I had more people in my life that I really can connect with. I'm glad this blog is anonymous because its not something I'd say to any of the people I know. I tend to be more of a thinker than someone who discusses her personal life, and thus its not always easy to connect with people.

In counseling my therapist reminds me that finding new people to connect with is hard and takes time... I need to be more selective. While I like a lot of people, sometimes I'm just like, "WTF?" with people. They are too immature, drama oriented, have major personal problems, are substance abusing, conservative in a hateful way, or dull. And sometimes I want so much to connect with someone, anyone that I'll have too low standards and then not be satisfied with the relationship. And so I need to remind myself that it is not the end of the world to have people not like me. It doesn't feel good, but that feeling will pass and life will go on. And at some point, I am going to have some friends who I feel good about and good with and who care about the same things I do who enjoy chatting about politics and causes and like to get out in the world and DO STUFF. And in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my kids and husband, listening to NPR, getting involved in the world in ways that I enjoy, and connecting with people in ways that feel good. And that's all I can do.

Another weigh in day

I went to see my fill nurse a few weeks ago and she told me how about 20% of their patients are having problems with their band. 

WHAT?!?

Well, upon further explanation, it appears that about 20% of clients who are having barium swallows are showing signs of a problem that could result in esophageal damage. After talking with her about the signs and symptoms of irritation  etc, I decided to have her take a bit of fluid out. I'd rather be a little less restricted and reduce my risk of problems. So, she took out some and ... wait for it... magic started happening... I started losing again!

Now, to be frank, I had done a bit better in the week prior to my fill (or unfill, as it was). You know, facing the music makes me behave. But, since the unfill I think I've lost close to 5 or 6 lbs. This morning's weigh in, as it's Friday, was 200.8 lbs. Which means I've lost more than 110 lbs and ::GASP:: I am almost under 200 lbs!  My goal weight is 25.8 lbs away. That does not seem that far at this point in time. It seemed a month ago, when the scale had hardly moved at all, that I might never get there or that it was super far away. Thinking of it as less than 30 lbs is liberating and it seems much more attainable. Still work to do but perhaps doable. 

So why the weight loss? I was too tight. I knew it at the time and I didn't want to get an unfill because it, of course, seems counter-intuitive to loosen the band in order to achieve weight loss. I knew it was too tight. Blah. I need to listen to myself and my band/belly. 

There is a website that one can go to in order to help one get an idea of what their body size is. Mybodygallery.com I've visited it a few times. I'm not sure how I look now. People say I look great. My thighs seem about the same as they used to. I know I've lost a ton in my butt. It's hard to know. It's hard to see the changes. Anyone have any difficultly with seeing the new you?

A whole new wardrobe

I'm not sure if I wrote about this before, but recently my husband unearthed some of my totes filled with my old, "thin" clothes (by thin I mean size 16-18). And, it was like Christmas! Beloved items that I had not seen for ages, suddenly pulled out of Rubbermaid bins and given new life-- Astoundingly, I fit in to most of them! I was shocked. See, back when I got to my lowest weight "ever" when I did Weight Watchers, I weighed in at 198 or so. I'd lost 90 lbs or something like that. Anyhoo, I went a little lot crazy as I had never been able to shop in a regular store before. So I bought, and bought, and bought.. kinda like I used to eat... so finding the two totes crammed full of my clothes was fantastic.. and then having many of them fit once again, supreme. I didn't think they would fit as well because my "thin" days were before I had my boys. And everyone knows, things change when you grow babies, especially when they weigh 9 lbs 15 oz and 11 lbs 7 oz respectively. Yeah. So to pull up pair after pair of pants and have them fasten, no bed-laying-down-sucking-in needed, was a HUGE NSV. 

Wearing slightly tight pants is good for me. I guess what I mean is not loose and bulky but properly fitting, maybe a tiny bit snug. It reminds me to watch what I eat, otherwise I feel uncomfortable. And I hate that. Because I still don't want to watch the amount I eat or feel uncomfortable. Ah, nothing like a year of still trying to learn the basics. 

In other exciting news, the scale has finally crept down a little bit. Part of this is attributable to my band feeling a bit tight. I'm not sure why, as I have not had a fill for months. I think part of it may be my new snugger bra (I had been wearing a 44, now down to a snug-but-comfortable 38); some of it may be that it's gotten chilly here. For some reason, my band seems to tighten in the cold weather. I am ok with that because I need to be thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. Lately I've been trying to remind myself to "take a bariatric bite" as in, stop cramming ginormous amounts of food down your gullet or you'll get stuck. And it's been working for the most part. Back to the creeping scale-- down to 206.4. I think that means that according to my baratric center's highest weight of me (307, I think), they will weigh me as having lost 100 lbs. I count it as 104 as my real highest weight was 311. 

Another NSV, different but related, was receiving PJs for Xmas in size XL and having them fit comfortably. I can't believe I'm back in the "normal" human size. In thinking about my goal of 175, I've made mini-goals for the next year. By the end of November next year (my 2 year bandiversary) I would like to be at goal; to do so I will need to loose about 3 lbs a month. I can do that. I can. So the itty bitty goal is do-able. I'll need to maintain some exercise, perhaps ramp it up a bit. We'll see. I can do it, though. 

So that is about all that I've got today. Happy holidays to you & yours!